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SITE OF THE MONTH
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Fallen Rebel by Steph
Link to story.
Plot
Alright, so this didn’t have a “plot” per se, but this is a one parter, and not all parters are suppose to have a full fledged plot. Some are just moments in time, a piece of a conversation, random thinking in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The very beginning was cute; it established the reason for Rory and Lorelai’s shopping. (I bet shopping for Luke is hard.) Then, they pull into a Wal-Mart parking lot, and notice the shopping carts, talk about them, realize what their conversation is about, and drive out of there. This was a fun, interesting premise for a short piece.
Characterization
You did a great job with the Lorelai/Rory banter. It was so Lorelai to suddenly just wonder out loud what it’s like to be a shopping cart. It was so completely random, but hey, that’s how many of her and Rory’s conversations are, it seems. Their dialogue was in character, not to mention pretty damn funny. I know I let loose a few laughs.
Style/Flow
This had a great flow. Banter about what to buy Luke, driving into the Wal-Mart parking lot, mourning for the shopping cart, and then they were out of there. The very last line was perfect.
Structure/Spelling/Grammar
I did notice a couple of errors of grammar/spelling. Nothing too big, but this was a short piece, so the errors stuck out a bit more. You did mention that you wrote this late at night, and it’s hard to catch your own errors. As for structure, when I first started this, I was baffled about why there was so much extra space. And then it clicked: You had extra space between the dialogue and the non-dialogue parts. The structure was excellent, easy to read.
Things To Work On
There was just one part in particular where you had a lot of dialogue, but no tags as to who was speaking. Every few lines, I need a “Lorelai said” or a name mention in the sentence, or I get lost in who’s who.
Things That Rocked My Socks
Everything! Words cannot describe how much I loved this story. It was short and funny. You did a wonderful job with the banter. My favorite part was the very end with them discussing the “deceased” shopping cart. “Over there, can’t you see him? There’s a cart halfway in the water. Poor thing… he probably had big dreams. Maybe he was headed for the big city, or Broadway...” That had me cracking up. And then of course Lorelai wanted to name it. Of course, she does, she names everything! “Alright, alright. Now, what on earth would you name a rebellious run-away that worked at Wal-Mart?” Oh, that was just so perfect. Poor Jess, the shopping cart. I wouldn’t want to be a cart either. Rebel against “the corporate slave driver that is Wal-Mart”, Jess! Rebel!
Letter Grade
A -
Reviewed by:
Angeleyez
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