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Under the Awning by Sparkle
Link to story.
Plot
A one-parter (my, one-parters seem to be all the rage, eh?) set in the future. Rory is now living in New York and finds herself trapped in one place, thanks to the weather. Not that she seems to mind. As she passes the time by reading, Jess comes up out of nowhere and sees her. He approaches her and they start to talk. It's a simple plot, but it's a nice idea.
Characterization
Rory is still the same bookish and quiet girl we've known and seen grow up, preferring a book to anything else. I liked it when you said, "...if there was one thing Rory believed in it was remembering the past because it had a hand in creating the present." It's got that nice foreshadowing feeling to it.
Jess is still the cool guy that he is, but I don't quite see him as the kind of person to just come up and touch someone he's hurt long ago. I can see him leaning back and saying something that would put James Dean to shame, but not outrightly touching Rory.
Style/Flow
I love your style of writing. The way you describe something so mundane as Rory reaching for a book in her bag is so well-done, and to be perfectly creepy, beautiful. The flow, though, is a little distracting. I can see Rory being direct with Jess, but not so direct as "Why did you do it?" being the first thing said by either of them. For me, she'd probably say that after a smart-ass/avoiding confrontation quip by Jess, like in A Tisket-A Tasket. The piece just didn't flow all that well for me, and it sort of jarred me out of the setting you've so masterfully made.
Structure/Spelling/Grammar
I have no complaints with your spelling or grammar, as you very obviously know what you're doing. However, it seems as if once the dialogue kicked in, the descriptive devices ran away. It left me with this wonderful start and a kind of thin end.
Things To Work On
"A young man with several days worth of stubble on her face and unkempt dark hair on his head ..." The "her," I suppose, should have been a "his"? It's not a big deal, but it's something a beta-reader can help with.
The flow and structure, as I mentioned, were kind of weird. It was like an upside-down triangle, in visual terms.
Things That Rocked My Socks
I absolutely love you style of writing, especially descriptive devices. It makes your story much richer and more pleasing to read.
The end was nice, also, “'Don’t go. I made a mistake. Let’s talk...I’m ready.'” It gives the reader a sense of Jess maturing from the stubborn little clam to a more open individual, showing growth in the character.
Letter Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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