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Southern Hospitality by Samantha
Link to story.
Plot
Southern Hospitality is a Literati-based story, but still intertwined with other characters' stories. As Jess and Rory meet on the MARTA train in Atlanta and try to define their ambiguous relationship, Lorelai and Luke get married, Lane and Dave have their baby and Jimmy even tries to hook up with Liz to help Jess out with his "incomplete family" business.
It's a pretty general story, but with some minor additions to the cast--Jess's daughter, Brett (and to some extent, Susie, Lorelai and Luke's daughter). It's one of those fics where Rory and Jess meet, due to some weird coincidence, and then fate proceeds to shove them together into situations far from their control (although it doesn't seem that they mind).
Characterization
I think the characterizations in this story are generally a little off, but it's not entirely unbelievable, either.
Rory is still that weird girl who tends to shut down when a huge confrontation is afoot, running away to somewhere or someone familiar to help guide her along, but there's something a little off-putting about her in the story. I think it's the voice you used for her POV in general. It kind of lacks the depth in her character.
Jess seems more mature, and I should expect so, since he's been through a lot, with a daughter to take care of, no less.
Lorelai seems a bit too childish for me, but when she had her outburst in the wedding dress store, it kind of amused me. The ending with Emily, though, was a nice way of showing her more serious side.
Although, I don't really warm to the way you've portrayed Emily. She seems like this cold-hearted jerk that can't be happy for Lorelai on her wedding day. I would think she would have at least waited until after the wedding to explode at Lorelai like that, seeing as she's the one for breeding and propriety.
Luke's cool, though, with the description of him walking into the room, a big pile of bags with legs.
I think Brett and Susie are adorable. They sometimes turn on the cute a bit much, but I guess that's just me and my impossible way of connecting to little kids.
You've got Lane's hyperactivity down, but I don't think she would be referencing Friends or Dharma & Greg. I think she'd be one of those people who'd stick to the 70s-80s eras and would be more on the musical side of pop culture.
Style/Flow
Your style of writing actually reminds me of Emjai's, with the first-person view and especially the voice you use when it comes to Lorelai. It's a nice, light and carefree style, and I do like it better than the overweighted, overdescriptive stories that tend to come off as pretentious to me.
The flow was kind of hard to follow, though, with the switching of places and times. I don't think it's a good idea either to put the setting of your story (or chapter) in an author's note, because the story then relies on the A/N to carry it through the chapter.
Structure/Spelling/Grammar
This story kind of has a weird structure to it. Initially, it is with whole chapters in one POV. But then as the chapters go by, the POV's get shorter and shorter, until multiple people are in one chapter. I don't know if this was deliberate, but it kind of looks strange to me. Spelling, grammar, you know what you're doing. If there were any mistakes, I didn't catch any of them.
Things To Work On
I think the structure could be more thought-out. Try to stick with one way, to keep things constant, unless you're going for one of those artsy styles that try to "push the envelope" or something.
The settings and the timelines are kind of unclearly set, and it makes the story kind of confusing to follow.
The characterizations were a little off, somehow. Maybe try to justify why they do what they do.
Things That Rocked My Socks
I really liked that you've tried to incorporate your own stuff into the story, with Atlanta being your second home, as you say. It gives the story kind of a more personal touch, in my opinion.
Jess naming his kid after Hemingway novels is something I find amusing and... Jess-like.
Letter Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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