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The Fall of A Sparrow by Jessica12
Link to Story.
Plot
In the first chapter, Jess is twenty-five and reflecting on what's happened in his life thus far. He met a girl with appearances the exact opposite of Rory's, but he didn't love her. So now he's going to see Rory and sweep her off her feet. He asks that we "don't judge [him] for what [he's] about to do." He's goes to see Rory and they (how do you say this tastefully? oh yeah.) spend the night together. But Rory's engaged! ::gasping noise:: Yes, that's right. So Rory tells Jess and he leaves (I won't go into details about his next adventures, but I will say this: hooker. I've got you know, don't I?) and ends up getting in a car wreck. Well, man vs car wreck. The next day, Ben-the fiance-returns and Rory doesn't tell him anything (I feel the need to add that Rory also sleeps with Ben). After months and months, during which time there are no wedding plans and no medical bills, apparently, Ben notices that Rory is different and like every boyfriend wants to know who the other guy is. She tells him. He leaves. "Why are you crying?" he asks. "You have no right to cry." Then Jess wakes up, so, yay! He comes to say goodbye (that's a first), but it doesn't go quite as well as he'd hoped. Fight, fight, fight! And then...Sex, sex, sex! Then we cut over to Chicago (Rory's in Boston) and dear Lord, Jess has got a knocked up girlfriend. I knew it was coming one of these days. Her name's Lucy. The girl, not the baby. Back to Boston. Jess doesn't even seem to remember Lucy. Tsk, tsk, tsk. He says he doesn't want to be alone anymore. But to leave your stuff at some girl's house, you couldn't be very lonely, could you? Now Jess is going to leave. Why? Well, flashback and see. Uh, Ben comes to see Jess. Ben tells Jess what a loser he is and that he's going to hurt Rory. Jess hits Ben (big surprise). Then, off-screen, Lucy comes and tells Jess about his new daddy-ness. Jess decides to leave Rory. Rory runs to Ben, who is happy, then mad, then sad, then mad, then really mad, then happy, then mad, then sad, in oh, five minutes. Man, that's a lot of emotion. So Rory decides to go to the airport, and Jess is at the airport and then...you didn't really think I'd give it away, did you? You know me by now.
Characterization
Jess is a little more touchy-feely in the story. It's hard for girls to write male characters, but it's probably good to keep in mind that Jess is very rough around the edges and guarded. There's a thin line to walk between "bad boy in love" and, well, for lack of a better word, softie. Jess is very softie here. And I'll let myself believe that he wouldn't let the expectant mother of his child sleep on the couch while he took the bed. I think if it came to that, Jess would do the right thing. And Rory, she...cussed. She said the "f word." Twice. Bad, bad Rory. That Jess is a horrible influence on you. I don't think that Rory would have spoken like that, but of course, she is older, and pissed, so it could happen. Also, Rory would never tell Jess to stay with her instead of being a father to his child. Ever. Rory barely had a father, she'd know what it was like and she'd know that this baby needs a dad. She wouldn't for a second say anything else.
Style/Flow
I like the style. Very poetic. It's clear that the author likes poetry from the passages at the top of a few of the chapters.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
There's a few more spelling/grammar mistakes than usual, but I'm going to eternally forgive that because it isn't your first language. Again I suggest a beta. Email me if you're interested. It's not an extremely big deal, though.
Things To Work On
It's absolutely necessary to put whose point of view the chapter's in. It's also important to tell how much time has passed. More so the POV than the time. It's very confusing to figure out who's talking. I'm going crazy trying to figure this out. Please, please edit it in.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
"I never saw her coming. You might have seen it coming." This is a nice quote and the first sentence we read. The way he never saw her coming, but we may have seen what was happening. And, "how do you greet a man that had become a stranger?" Also, the << >>'s are much better than the & lt; >'s. I'm glad you changed that. Thanks. And the ending. Oh. Loved it. So, so good.
Grade
I say...B. Good job.
Reviewed by:
SamiJoe
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