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There Are No Maybes by CaliforniaDreamer
Link to story
Plot
There seem to be a lot of these one-shot reflection pieces floating around. I remember you doing a piece on the, "I love you" scene as well. I like how it's like us trying to justify Rory (or Jess's) actions. However, sometimes, not always, they can get a little redundant, I'd say to just watch out for that.
Very simple, set in the, "Come with me" scene, but ending with the words that Jess nor any of us managed to hear. It's all about Regret, and how Rory seems to wallow in it every time Jess leaves a room. It's very tragic, which to me, suits Jess and Rory's relationship very, very well.
Characterization
Rory came off a bit too... "!!!" for me (for a lack of a good word to use), actually. Maybe it's all the exclamation points...
But I do like the urgency in her voice, her need for Jess to hear what she's saying, to understand what she's meaning. It sets the tone of the story, which makes it even more powerful.
Style/Flow
Again, it's more internal, as it seems to be your style. But it's not just a re-telling of the scene, either. You make the story your own, make the reader see through Rory's eyes. You use the sentence fragments (while MSWord apparently green-squiggly-lines it to hell) very well. Kickass.
The flow was nice, not disruptive at all. You knew where you wanted to go and did not make any room for confusion. But then again, it is just part of one scene, so I guess it wasn't that hard. The most distracting thing, if I were to say, would be lines like, 'I don’t like letting you go. But can’t you see, that’s the only way!"
It just came off a little... preachy. Especially the, "But can't you see" part.
Structure/Spelling/Grammar
Structure-wise, it's pretty standard, so it's all good. I like how it's set up, where we're filled with Rory's thoughts. Everything is happening in her head while the scene is playing out. And then you jolt the reader, right at the end, with the unexpected bit of dialogue. I love that last line to bits, man.
Spelling, grammar, no qualms at all.
Things To Work On
Maybe stay away from lines that Britney Spears would use in her songs. It just makes the piece a little too dramatic for my taste. :/ (Please don't come after me with pointy things.)
Things That Rocked My Socks
The last bit of dialogue. It just jumps out at you. And in the midst of all the Rory-bashing, it makes the reader take a second thought to what was happening.
This line was cool, too:
"But it was just a dream. A silly, childish dream. When it’s here in front of me…you know I can’t make it real. Reality has too much pull."
Letter Grade
A-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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