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Promise Ring by secretstar
Link to story.
Plot
Okay, the creepiest thing happened to me while reading your story. In the end, the big finale, I actually felt goosebumps. So, so powerful for a one-parter, and I love it. The cheap plastic ring "and the cost of [the cow] added up to seventy-five—freaking—cents" suggests that Rory finally took that daring step to be with Jess despite the little that he could offer her. Good job on finally making a decision (that we Lits agree with), Rory. But then the romance of their almost bohemian relationship is taken into reality's perspective (with the help of Lorelai), and we see Rory questioning the path of this Rory&Jess boat. Jess, being the stoic and Mr. Numb To The Outside Feelings Guy, is hurt when Rory dares to question his love. A small fight, but this pushes Jess towards being sensible, turning the plastic ring into so much more.
It's a simple plot, but your style of writing is just so powerful, for a total lack of other adjectives, that it's almost scary to think of you turning this into something more.
Characterization
Rory seems almost child-like in the beginning, which makes it kind of a surprise when we learn that she's actually 27. Her reaction when receiving the ring, and her own internal annoyance towards the damned cow is reminiscent of her teenage years. But once she speaks with Lorelai, she turns into practical-Rory, again, reminiscent of her teenage years. I like this switch from child-Rory to practical-Rory. You take both of her qualities and somehow make a balance between both of them.
Jess is well-written. His compassion as he gives Rory the quarter for something as insane as a plastic ring is a thing rarely seen, but suggests something different in him, and I like it. And as always, when cornered, it's best for him to shut down/ignore everything. However, we see that Jess doesn't actually run away from Rory this time. He does something about her doubts, and that totally made me smile. I can see him being that sweet, but not being in the same room while said sweet thing is happening.
Lorelai comes off as sort of the bad guy in the perfect bohemian life that Jess and Rory have built, but truths are always hard to swallow. She serves as that jarring motion, bumping the two out of their dream-life together of, "we're poor, but happy!" She's the worried mother, and Rory even likens her to Emily towards Lorelai. It somehow gives understanding to the latter's strained relationship as Rory herself goes through it.
Style/Flow
It's weird, but I think that the italics enhances the story even more. Your style isn't too wordy that it goes on and on for each paragraph, but not too sparse, either, that it looks like a bunch of lines. The story flows well, and doesn't confuse. It's simple, and I think it's better for its simplicity.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Great balance to the structure, no real grammatical or spelling errors that I could see. It's obvious that you've thought this story through, because there is no feeling of a freewrite in this. Drafted, betaed. All of this is seen in the story, even though you've mentioned a beta-reader in the A/N.
Things To Work On
Like what? It's perfect-o, senyor.
Things That Rocked My Socks
Jess and all his glory. His sweetness towards Rory, and that brooding thing that he does when cornered--you've totally got him on the dot and spot.
I love the ending and how it made such a ridiculous reaction out of me. Again, there is power in your words. I'd put a Star Wars comment on that, but that'd just be tacky.
Letter Grade
A+!!!
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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