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Christmas Wrapping by Rainwater Tears
Link to story.
Plot
The plot is nice. Future-fiction, Christmas fluff. It's a look a few years from now, and the thing is, it's not the same story anymore. Things have taken a darker turn, the storybook setting has lost its charm, and we are left with a very different Rory than before. It's set at Christmas, but I like how you've catered to the less-seen feeling of it: the lonliness, the heartache, the bitterness of it all.
Things have changed a lot, and the most striking aspect is Lorelai and Rory's loss of that wonderful connection. All because of that night with Dean.
But before you go, "Hey, this isn't fluffy!"--
She goes and buys cranberry sauce out of habit and familiarity, but ends up getting more of that than she had first thought.
Jess. Eee!
Their encounter is amusing, when Rory can't quite place who this man with the dead lip is. When they trade last names, that's when it hits her. Oh, Rory, so insanely oblivuous.
They spend Christmas together, and fate seems to be the one to blame.
And then the fluff sets in and you can probably guess how it ends.
Characterization
Rory, I like. She's changed a lot since that night with Dean, and she may be a bit rough around the edges already, but there's a redeemable quality that Jess somehow brings out of her. She's more multi-dimensional than most Rory's I've read about.
Jess was great. He's changed as well, and so much for the better. He's a good guy now, not that kid ten years ago who didn't know the first thing to do under pressure.
"Now all he could do was prove to Rory that he wasn't eighteen, he wasn't going to run, and he wasn't afraid of her."
Liz was okay. I was dissappointed when you gave her such a great build-up, but there wasn't much mention of her when she finally came out. I didn't see much character in her, I'm afraid. She just opened the door and then... not much.
The grandmother and Christie as well. I wish you had filled that part out a bit more, just so we can know more about these characters.
Style/Flow
Pretty standard style of writing, but there are some impressive descriptive devices to start off with. I especially like the hardback/paperback thing. So true.
There was a bit of a blip on the flow for me because you start out so well. There are descriptions. Imagery is wonderful, and wonderful use of literary devices. But by the end, it feels a bit rushed, or the story seems to go a little limp. I didn't even know who was saying what when Jess and Rory go to the grandmother's house. Everything was resolved a little too quickly, for my taste, in the end.
Structure/Grammatr/Spelling
The structure wasn't bad, in the grammatical sense, it just felt a little light in some parts that I expected to be heavier, like the ending.
You have a few spelling and grammatical errors, like what happens when one types too fast.
"Rory's stomach decided to mutiny."
This sentence seems kind of off as well. I always thought "mutiny" was only a noun.
Things To Work On
Secondary characters. I love the attention you give to Rory and Jess, but it feels like you don't give the same courtesy to the others. What was their purpose in your story? Just to feed Rory and Jess?
I think it's just me, but I didn't find Christie's lisp very... adorable. But that's my problem. I hate kids like that.
The story can do well when one leaves things to the imagination. Show us how that lady is Jess's grandmother, don't tell us.
Maybe beta pieces a bit more, just so things like this don't occur:
"...find a guy abou ther age..."
Don't get too caught up in the beginning and then fade out in the end, once Rory and Jess do the dirty. Fill things out, make each part vital to the story.
Things That Rocked My Socks
Jess. He's cool. You live up to the Jess-dream. I love you.
I love how they first meet. Right away, you have the banter, the "get away from me but not really" thing, and that odd sense of familiarity. Rory doesn't remember Jess all that well, breaking the preachy way Rory is always written out to be. Sure, we can accept Jess is great for her, but not how she's going to pine for him until the day she dies, kids. Good job.
"'Rory,' she said, quietly thinking about the Jess she used to know. The one who had left her ten years before. They'd broken each other's hearts. 'Funny,' she thought, 'his lip did the same thing. He talked like that, too.'
'Huh.'
She jumped, there was no way.
'Gilmore.'
'Mariano.'
'Oh, and the bitterness starts.'"
Hee!
Letter Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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