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Insomnia by Emily Carol
Link to story.
Plot
Rory has insomnia. As the story progresses, the reader finds out the reasons why the past keeps her up at night, haunting her. Rory goes through old pictures and journals, deliberately reliving her memories that are slowly driving her further and further into depression.
She has lost everyone that meant the most to her: Lorelai, Lane, Jess, and Dean. After Luke and Lorelai lost their daughter to an accident, Lorelai slipped away into insanity, leaving Rory behind. Rory pushed Jess away even after he told her that he loved her, and Dean is far away, starting his own family. Lane and Rory’s friendship has long since been over, and is beyond repair.
The pain and hopelessness is too much for Rory, so she heads over to the window, thinking about ending it all. The only thing that stops her is the thought of hurting her mother even more – Rory doesn’t want to do that. So she heads back to bed, contemplating why the world sucks, giving the reader an ending incongruous to the rest of the story.
The story was all about Rory and her hurt, and her wondering why everything happened to her. The ending in which she generalized everything and began contemplating the problems of the world – it didn’t seem to belong there. I thought the ending should have been more about Rory and what she was dealing with, and how she was going to continue dealing with it, since she had ruled out suicide as an option.
Characterization
Characterization is, for the most part, spot-on. Rory is distraught and doing her best to deal with it. Luke, in his brief appearance, was compassionate. Even Tanna’s small part was well done. However, Lane abandoning Rory seemed a little extreme. Even if Lane was really that fed up with Rory, transferring schools was a bit much. Plus, it’s hard to believe that her mother wouldn’t have told her about Rory’s misfortunes. No matter their problems in the past, Lane would have come up to see Rory.
Style/Flow
Good style – sparse lines depicting Rory’s tragic past and painful present. I liked it.
Structure/Spelling/Grammar
There were a few run-on sentences, which may or may not be a stylistic choice. There were a couple of sentences with a missing word, and one case of a forgotten period. Since this was a short piece, the errors were more noticeable. It’s nothing a beta can’t fix.
Things To Work On
“She stayed up late not being able to sleep and reminiscing about her past.” This sentence sounded awkward to me, but I believe that could be fixed simply with changing “not being able” to “unable”. It’s just a word choice suggestion.
“Paris had been sick of the light on all night and forced her to sleep in the living room where she’d dragged out her mattress, blankets, and pillows every night, as well as her memories.” In this sentence, you use “night” twice. You use “lane” twice in this sentence: “She had enough of memory lane and she went to put the rest of the pictures when an old picture of her and Lane when they were in fifth grade caught her eye.” I’m a nut when it comes to repetitive word use. It’s always a good idea to make sure you’re not repeating words in close proximity to each other.
“Rory remembered her last visit to her mother.” With this line, I thought you were going to go into a memory about the last time Rory had visited Lorelai, or mention a few details about it. Instead, the visits were mentioned together in one lump.
Things That Rocked My Socks
The way you explained Lorelai’s problem: “The accident hadn’t claimed her life, but it had claimed her mind.” Jess’s confession. Rory’s response. The fact that she put the picture back together after ripping it up. “She wished her and Lane could be those two little girls in the picture again. She wished they could smile that huge just from being with each other.” Dean’s letter. The image of the tall window, and Rory standing in it. Rory’s realization that she couldn’t do this to her mother. Tanna’s appearance.
Letter Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Angeleyez
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