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SITE OF THE MONTH
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WRITING CONTEST
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The Glass Menagerie by Renee
Link to story.
Plot
This story is definitely interesting, set in a seedy bar in Hartford. It's an unlikely setting, especially with the light and almost innocent theme of the show, and if anyone ever did venture into this kind of story, it was hard to pull off.
I love the descriptive devices you've used. There's a juxtaposition of the "past world" and the present, where we have glass cages, Coronas and strippers.
One thing, though: is Rory in one of the glass cages, or is she down at the bar? The introduction made me think the former, but then she's suddenly taking another drink and talking to Jess.
Characterization
The Rory here is a very, very different girl from what we've been used to. That ridiculous covering of innocence is seen nowhere, leaving only a tired stripper with thoughts of too much Regret. I like it. It's edgy.
The only indication to me that this was Jess was the mention of "his former New York." Acutally, until now, I'm not that sure who this boy is.
Style/Flow
Stylistically speaking, it isn't as impressive. I understand that you were going for a subtle kind of narration, but in this case, I found it just a tad too subtle. It's obvious that some kind of story went on in the past, but the clues you give as to what exactly happened weren't as clear, especially in Jess's case.
As for flow, this was where I had the most trouble. I had to read each chapter twice to fully understand what was going on. It read very choppily, and that just makes reading your story really difficult. Sometimes, some of the sentences just made no sense:
"Just like the shatter of glass pulled him as he slipped out of his former New York ."
I think the main thing is your placement of periods and commas were way, way off.
The paragraphs jumped from Rory's POV to Jess's very abruptly, which confused me a great deal. Also, the first chapter is in past-tense, and the second, in present. I know you worked on this with someone, but the thing is, your end result is just one story. It would be nice if you could synchronise.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
There was a lack of balance in terms of the structure of your story. The italicised words were okay, but there's a bolded poem by Neruda at the bottom of the first chapter, and nothing in the next. Actually, that poem just kind of came out of nowhere.
Grammar is good, so is spelling. I did notice one spelling error, though, in the second chapter:
"There iss something painful about that."
Also:
"That's the only criteria she had to make, and she did."
I think it's supposed to be "criterion" because it's singular.
Things To Work On
I strongly suggest you to correct all the period and comma placement, because your story will make so much more sense and will flow so much better by just doing this.
A beta reader would also help with the little things such as typos.
The lack of description with regards to the physical and literal happenings of the story made it confusing. Tell us where exactly each character is, what they're doing. Don't forget the little details, but don't get caught up in them, either.
Things That Rocked My Socks
I love the setting; the whole image of Rory Gilmore amongst characters in the "seedy underbelly of society." It's and exciting place to put her, if written well. I thought that is was a great and interesting idea.
There's a TON of potential in your writing, but the only thing that hinders that is the little things like, as I've mentioned earlier, period and comma use.
PS. The title kicks ass. :)
Letter Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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