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May you know you are loved by Jessica
Link to story.
Plot
There is a lot of retelling of the story going on here, which is fine, but the thing is, when it's overdone, the "fiction" part of everything starts to become pointless. I didn't read much of a difference from the show besides the fact that that Rory and Jess slept together before Jess left Stars Hollow, and that Jimmy didn't let him stay in Venice Beach.
Even then the effect of these things were, I suppose, more internal than anything. But maybe this was what you were going for?
If that's the case, I'm sorry for being dense.
Characterization
Jess here, his idiotic hold on his pride, is on-spot. But this line I found a little contradictory:
He was everything that they feared and he liked it that way because / it gave him a sense of belonging, of actually being someone.
How would being feared give him a sense of belonging? Personally, I would think that he would be more isolated than anything.
Rory is written better than most. You've captured her overthinking into the wrong conclusion, her keeping matters of the heart private (even to her mother), and her penchant for running away quite nicely.
She ran all the way to Washington.
Oh, Rory.
I like the parallel you've mentioned about their both being "runners" as well.
Style/Flow
As I've seen before, you use this sort of poetic style a lot. It's good because your lyrical way with words seems to be upheld by this format. It's not something most authors use, and it suits your style very well.
The flow was a bit jagged. I was a little confused as to what was happening and where. The scenes, for me, are just too randomly placed, and when you put a scene that's originally yours, it doesn't seem to fit very well with the rest of the story.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
There are some spelling and grammar mistakes peppered around the story, but for someone who doesn't have English as a first language, I'd say you're doing pretty good. :)
You can ask a beta-reader to help you out with stuff like this.
Things To Work On
I noticed quite a bit of cliched phrases. It makes your story kind of preachy, so maybe lessen a bit of the hearts breaking into a million tiny pieces and the warrior falling, etc.
Again, the beta-reader would help with the little spelling and grammar mistakes.
Try to avoid retelling the show's storyline. It's okay to allude to it once in a while, but make the majority of the story your own. It comes out better that way.
How about trying new formats for your stories? Maybe to write a prose piece or a script format or something, just for a bit of variety. Expanding through experimentation is good.
Things That Rocked My Socks
I love how you've written some of the parts. It's so poetic and beautiful.
The silence hurt more than anything else./
She had searched for clues that might tell her why, but she found nothing. / So she drew the conclusion that he didn’t want her. / As she lay alone at night she twisted and turned her memories of them together / and she came up with a truth that satisfied her bleeding heart. / It had been just a game to him.
Letter Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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