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Healing Time by Waiyza
Link to story.
Plot
Healing Time is an alternate ending for Last Week Fights, This Week Tights, where instead of Rory saying, "No!" like the idiot she is, she stops and expands this moment with Jess.
Lots of Lits have been heartbroken by this couple's ending, and of course, as fan fiction is, we Lits had to do something about it. However, I thought that your version wasn't as effective as I had hoped.
Characterization
Rory in this story is a little off. She seems to have gotten over the whole situation with Jess pretty quickly, as they shift into what feels like comfortable conversation. It actually got a little irritating because she'd repeat almost everything Jess says. Her lack of information is a little hard to believe since despite her moving to Yale, she talks to Lorelai every single day on the phone.
Jess is a bit better, with his hesitance to share. However, when he does, Jess seems to share a little too much that he almost becomes as gossipy as a Stars Hollow resident. His blowout at Rory is great, though. I can see him doing that on the show.
Style/Flow
The story starts out all right, but then it morphs into this dialogue-only piece where each paragraph begins and ends with a quotation mark. I know it gets exciting once the story gets going, but try to fill the story out more, so that it doesn't dwindle at the end.
As I have mentioned, in terms of the emotional factors of the piece, it seems to flow a little strange. I would expect Rory to be a bit more forceful and less pleading. I would expect more tension and drama than anything else, because that's what the episode, and this scene in particular, is based upon.
Your verb tenses also had a tendency to change from past to present, disrupting the flow.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
The structure is a little limp. Try to flesh the paragraphs out. Describe the scene and don't leave it to dialogue alone to push the story. Establish a firm setting and stick with it until the end. Don't let the excitement of the story get to you.
The story has a considerable amount of distracting errors, both grammatical and spelling-wise.
his signature leather jacket
Stuff like that.
Things To Work On
I suggest getting a beta reader to help you out with the spelling errors. They're just too distracting.
Try to avoid turning a prose piece into a script where it becomes all dialogue halfway into it.
Big fan alert here, but Jess was nicknamed "Reads," not "read." (<--ah, stuff like that need to be capitalised as well.)
Stay with the emotional structure and try to control the urge to "make everything alright" in a few paragraphs. Take your time to pull the reader into your story. It's more believable that way.
I know this is difficult, but maybe you can try to get a tighter grasp on the Rory/Jess interaction.
And wasn't Paris in Oxford at this time? Her coming out of nowhere didn't really serve a purpose--actually it kind of gave your story a feeling of those 1960s sitcoms, with the flourish of comedic music and a laugh track, that didn't really mix well with the situation.
Things That Rocked My Socks
I love Rory's last attempt at making Jess stay with the lure of C-Span, of all things.
The parallel of the both of them getting "screwed in the father department."
"She remembers the time when they seemed to sparkle with mischief and sometimes even pure malice -- mainly on encountering Dean. His entire body seemed to sag under some nameless and invisible burden."
That's a beautiful line.
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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