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SITE OF THE MONTH
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Pretending by CaliforniaDreamer
Link to story.
Plot
I’ve got to tell you when I read the first line of this story I immediately thought, a Rory story on her failed relationship with Dean. But I was surprised and happy to be proven wrong with a Lindsay piece. First thoughts: original and interesting plot. The whole idea of this story, Lindsay dealing with the fact that Dean cheated, and not ignoring it was a great plot. The facts that Lindsay was hurt, Dean and Rory did cheat, and people were affected are often overlooked. Your insight on this matter was great. I’ve always been a fan of reflection pieces, characters coming to terms with events. This piece only increased my love of them.
Characterization
Lindsay is such an underdeveloped character and I think you did a great job getting into her mindset. The show portrays her as the happy housewife, but you gave that image a story, and an explanation. You wrote Lindsay if her potential had been fulfilled. As far as Dean I think you were spot on. He wasn’t sorry for hurting Lindsay. He was sorry he got caught. He didn’t know what to do, speechless, helpless when caught. No problems with your characters. : )
Style/Flow
This story was written from an internal point of view, so everything should be thoughts, and fragments, which you pull off wonderfully. The pieces of her thoughts and the way you flow from one topic of thought to another so easily is great. You get into Lindsay’s head and make her see situation from her point of view; how she is affected, and what this means to her.
The only thing I can say was that some of the dialogue made it a bit awkward. Too much drama can disrupt the solemn mood of a story.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Spelling/Grammar: Nothing big, just watch for minor errors.
Structure: You’re structure is pretty standard, but you make it your own with illegal fragments, periods, and pauses. I like it.
Things To Work On
Um...not much. I’d say when you write dialogue to watch out for too much drama, and clichéd lines. Yes, Lindsay throwing Dean out of the house should be dramatic, but some of the dialogue just took away from the idea of the story. Like this line here, “Sex,” I say, matter-of-factly. “Is she any better? Cause I’d hate for you to go through all the trouble of sneaking around if she wasn’t.” As true as this is, it doesn’t seem real.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
I feel oddly revenged now. He caused me emotional pain; I’ll cause him physical pain. Of course, his cut is nowhere as deep as mine. But at least he feels some pain from all of this. He deserves this, this and so much more. The way you word Lindsay’s thought; anger, pain, hatred, the fact that she still loved him all laced together. And this next blurb right here was perfect. It is Dean.He wants everything! He wants Rory. He doesn’t really want me, but he wants a pretty little housewife that he can blame for all he’s problems. She’s too demanding. She nags too much. All her. That sums it all up.
Letter Grade:
A-
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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