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You're Killing Me Now by Bookwormz
Link to story
Plot
My first Trory! I'm sorry to take the thunder away from you for a second there. Okay, I'm ready to focus on you. YOU. And this story.
You're Killing Me Now is a one parter, obviously a Trory, according to my opening statement. It's an alternate take on Rory's golfing experience. Instead of Richard with her, she bumps into Tristan and is basically trapped into spending the day with him.
It's a very uncomplicated plot, but I think it's more fluff than anything. The beginning is good, but then it starts feeling a little forced, with the hugging and the falling and the catching and all that.
Characterization
Rory starts out great, but then she starts turning into a bit of a ditz by the end.
I can't believe I did that. I---I was just in a compromising position with Tristan DuGray---and I liked it!
That just sounded so weird coming from someone like Rory. :/
Tristan is written better, I think. He's rude and crass and egotistic. I love it.
"Why bother talking, when those lips can be put to use on much more pleasurable activities."
I also like the fact that he calls her Rory only when they're under scrutiny. It just further suggests that Tristan is toying with her.
Style/Flow
The style you use here is simple, which compliments your plot. It reminds me a lot of Lipton Lee's style. It's very straightforward and... yeah, simple. But after a while, it just turns into a bunch of dialogue. Try expanding your events just a tad more.
The tenses change from past and present sometimes, disrupting the flow of the story. But over all, I don't have much to complain about.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
As I've mentioned, check into your verb tenses to make everything unified. You have a few spelling errors like this one:
Ever since her first day at Chilton, he'd been arrogant, conceited, and nothing but a problem for her.
"Conceded" means to have agreed to something.
"Idiot," she mutters, walking away...
Things To Work On
Verb tenses and spelling--very technical things.
Try to avoid turning your stories into something too fluffy. It may be a matter of personal choice, but this one just seemed a little too much like a young girl wrote it. I guess I just like 'em gritty. The whole falling and catching and kissing thing is a little too cliche for me.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
Once out of sight from their grandparents Rory pushes Tristan off of her.
"Get away from me."
"Why Mary, I thought you'd finally given into your feelings for me. It's not good to deny them."
Letter Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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