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On Eagle's Wings by Emily Carol
Link to story.
Plot
This story basically deals with abuse and how different people react to it. Twenty-something Lorelai and six-year-old Rory in this story are living with a violent man named Carl, and it follows them as they live with the beating, the cover-ups, and the desperation to be loved by someone else.
I personally found the story a tad too unbelievable, especially since Lorelai is such a strong character. I doubt she'd stand for such misery, and in Stars Hollow, nonetheless. However, I guess her submitting herself to this abuse is an integral part of your story.
The ending kind of left in a blur, though. I think things just went too fast with more focus on the events rather than the characters themselves. It felt like someone was just telling me a story, and not pulling me into it.
Characterization
Lorelai, as I have mentioned, is just too weak to be the same character as the show. I can't see her being so submissive, or so calm about being beaten--especially when Rory is involved. However, her care and concern for Rory does shine through.
Rory in here is six, so there is no real point of reference. When Miss Patty gave her that invitation to dance, I totally thought of About A Boy. She comes off as a naive child in the story, and well, there is a bit more freedom when you're working with such an AU part of their lives.
We all know Luke is dense, but just a tad too dense in this story. He's known Lorelai for years, and still he hasn't figured out about Carl? It just feels a little far-fetched, especially with the show's portrayal of him being particularly sweet on Lorelai.
Carl, while the main antagonistic force of the story, is too one-dimensional, and sometimes he even comes off a little Machiavellian. Flesh him out a bit. Give him more of a background story, so that the audience will invest in him as a character.
Style/Flow
The story feels a little thin when it comes to setting and description. Whenever a character does an action, it is merely stated and not described. Put more into the narrative, develop a voice and a style, because right now, it feels a bit flat.
It flowed a little too quickly for my taste. I think it's more because of the way it was narrated rather than the events itself. Pace yourself a little, and don't be in a rush to get things going.
Like here:
"I wanted to make sure Rory was sleeping all right," Lorelai said.
Maybe you could have shown us how Lorelai said it. Was she calm? Tense? Was she doing an accompanying action to suggest any form of emotion?
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
The title is a bit odd. I think it's On Eagles' Wings?
Other than that, I wasn't distracted with any technical errors.
Things To Work On
Put more foundation in your original characters. Unlike the characters we see on the show, the audience has no real connection with them. We don't know where the OC comes from, what his motivations are, or any sort of background on him, so we won't invest as much. It's your job to flesh them out so that your readers will get into your story and relate to your OC.
When narrating, I noticed that you cut every action into paragraphs:
Carl was passed out on the bed, more beer bottles littered the floor than there had been the night before.
Lorelai started to change, quickly, praying Carl wouldn't wake up.
With her back to the bed she pulled off her shirt.
As she removed her bra she felt a pair of arms come around her waist.
A voice in her ear whispered in a husky voice, "Anxious are we?"
This could all be in one paragraph, and the story won't feel as choppy.
I just didn't buy Lorelai's weakness and Luke's obliviousness. Maybe you can explain why exactly Lorelai is so willing to stay in such a bad relationship because all I could think of was how Lorelai can really kick Carl's ass on the show.
Oh, and there's an error with the link to chapter four: it has two "/eagles" in the URL. Just letting you know.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
And she screamed.
She screamed at the sight.
She screamed at Carl for what he had done to her daughter.
She screamed at Carl for what he had done to her.
She screamed at herself for letting it go on for so long.
There was just so much emotion in this part that the hairs on my arms stood on end. Good job.
The fact that you explored such a difficult idea is great. Abuse isn't a subject that most fan fiction writers dive into.
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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