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Screaming Infidelities by Caitlin
Link to story.
Plot
Screaming Infidelities is basically a small slice of Stars Hollow life as experienced by Lindsay, Dean, and Rory, centering on the event of Rory and Dean doing the dirty in her room while her mom was looking for band-aids.
Despite it being a three-character POV sort of story, I like the way you didn't make time stop, but actually drove the story from beginning to end. From Lindsay's hurt, to Dean's reluctance, to Rory's anger, I really love the concept.
Characterization
Lindsay is someone we don't all see very often, so her character isn't as well defined as Dean or Rory. However, I like how she has more stregth in this story than most authors write her with.
Dean, here, is a little bit annoying, to the point where he seems to be like that just for the sake of the story. I don't quite see his character as parallel to the show's, because here he seems more superficial, like you were deliberately trying to turn him into the bad guy.
I like Rory's initial thoughts of denial, but I don't think she'd be so cruel to Lindsay, even if it were all in her head. This line was a bit much:
Lindsay shouldn’t have been so stupid. It was all her fault.
Style/Flow
I like the style you write in because it's easy to read, but there's still a voice that comes through the simplicity. Each character has a different feeling, and I like that.
As for flow, you tended to shift from present-tense to past-tense, disrupting it a little.
Structure/Spelling/Grammar
I love the pacing you took for this story, as well as the chapter divisions. There's balance to it, which is nice.
Spelling didn't worry me, but as I've mentioned, those tenses are a bit cluttered.
Things To Work On
Your characterization, especially for Dean, is a little off. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and don't let your personal opinions take over his character. There's a difference between Dean as a Lit or a Narc would see him, and a Dean as the show would portray him. He's not a bad guy. He's just... Dean.
Uniform your tenses to make the flow of your story smoother.
Things That Rocked My Socks
The chapters, the way you divided the story was great. Not one of the three stood out too much, nor did they depend too much on the other. Great balance.
I like how there's a story, and it's not just a reflection piece, as most authors would approach this situation with. It's not complicated, but it's not stupid, either.
She and Dean would get married; she could have a ring like that. They would live happily ever after.
Her first boyfriend, her first kiss, her first love, her first time, and he could be her first husband.
Her mother was wrong. He had not cheated. There had been nothing to cheat on. Lindsay deserved it anyways. She was horrible. She made him work awful jobs all day long and quit school. She had practically forced him to cheat. Rory had nothing to do with it, really.
Ah, Rory.
Letter Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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