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SITE OF THE MONTH
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She Will Be Loved By Emily Carol
Link to story.
Plot
This is a song fic using She Will Be Loved (*sigh* I love that song.) Great song choice. I can see this song working for them. However, you took it very literal. It takes place a few years from now, Rory’s still with Dean and Jess goes to see here. Dean is married, and he won’t leave Lindsay. Jess comes back every so often and sees Rory with Dean. When Dean leaves he goes to her. Eventually Jess can’t do it anymore. The idea is good, but I just don’t see the concept fitting Gilmore Girls. I don’t think Rory would stay with Dean if he was with Lindsay, and I’m not sure Jess would wait around. Its slightly too dramatic for me.
Characterization
Rory’s a little too non-Rory. I can’t see her staying with Dean for years when he’s with Lindsay, and then, she sleeps with Jess on the side? I know Rory has been making some mistakes, but that’s a little harsh. Something like this would be way out of character. Also, her first reaction to Jess; I don’t think she’d be this…mean. “Why the hell are you here Jess?” “You didn’t mess up my life enough 3 years ago? Now you have to come back? Just when I’m happy? Just leave! For God’s sake, just leave!”
The thing with Jess is he’s complex. He’s got all these feelings and things he wants to say, but he rarely ever says them. He’s more monosyllabic than comforting and compassionate. At the same time, I don’t think he’d sleep with Rory, take advantage of her while she’s still with Dean. I’m glad that he left though. Jess isn’t the type to be pushed around.
Style/Flow
See the problem here was that you didn’t really have a specific style. You’re just stating; telling in grammatically correct sentences. You can write; now work on making that writing your own.
The flow is slightly off too. Like here: Yet a week later Jess stood outside her dorm again, watching her come up to the building, arm in arm again with Dean. That sentenced is busy; it can be tweaked, shortened, or cut. Get your point across as easily as you can. Stay simple.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
No real problems with spelling or grammar. Try varying your sentence structure a little, though. Semicolons, commas, and simple sentences are your friend.
Things To Work On
Well like I said you can write, now you have to personalize that writing. Work on your style, your technique, vary you structure. And see if you can toughen up your Jess a little. Every girl likes a bad boy. ;)
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
The great incorporation of the song into the story. The song choice itself. And the way you started it. Rory Gilmore was beautiful. That’s the first thing that Jess remembered about her. She had been just seventeen when they started their journey together, a journey that could last a lifetime.
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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