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Body Bag by Lipton Lee
Link to story.
Plot
Milo Ventimiglia had previously talked about him wanting to kill off Jess in the show, and of course, everyone reacted like, "Pff, yeah, right." However, this is the first story I've read which caters to this statement. What if Jess had really died?
While the plot mainly revolves around Jess's death and how people deal with it (particularly Rory and Luke), I found Body Bag just a bit too... all over the place. There wasn't a real point of focus, and it made the story feel haphazard. I think that some parts weren't really necessary.
Like this one:
Logan watched from the passenger’s seat.
Finn glanced at him. “Hey.”
“What?”
Finn smirked. “Let’s go get drunk.”
Logan nodded. “Okay.”
With that, they drove off.
Characterization
You got about everyone right, especially Luke.
I love how Luke's attachment to Jess is only seen after the kid passes away--same for Rory. The muttering and him destroying the little shelf is very much like Luke after this big of a trauma. However, would he be so ready to admit that he actually loved Jess? To Lorelai, especially?
Rory and her infamous to-do list = On-spot. She seems to push Logan away, though, but that kind of suggests that she still had feelings for Jess. Now, I don't know how close these two are, but would Rory really be that rude?
Lorelai, Liz and TJ were well-written here, despite their small roles. Lorelai, with her trying to get Rory to snap out of it was a good move. Liz trying to make Jess's funeral some sort of party with orange flowers is just like her. And Coco Puffs. Hee.
As for Logan, I had to ask for help in this department:
Accoring to Psychotic Scribbler,
"I think [you] may have let [your] opinions overtake Logan's characters. He and his friends like to have fun, sometimes fun that bars on illegal. But I don't think they'd do something like break into a morgue. It's disrespectful. Granted, this might have been needed to have Rory see Jess.
His interactions with Rory seemed okay. Logan not getting Jess and why he couldn't be there. I see that. The only other line that bothered me was this. Logan shook his head as he made his way back to his car. “All the money and looks in the world, and I still rate below a dead man.” It just seems like Logan thinks because he has money, he can buy her affection, and it should be okay. Logan has money and he'll use it, but that line just left me a little unsettled. Maybe I'm Logan bias."
Style/Flow
I know you use this direct sort of style a lot, but something about this time made it not so okay with me. The initial impression I got was that the story was just too choppily written. While you have the characters' voice down, I would suggest you developing your narration's voice more. It read a little plain, mainly because of the lack of description.
There were tons of places where you could have expanded a scene and made it more interesting to read.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Structure-wise, as I've mentioned, it's too cluttered, with little scenes that didn't have to be there, and the one-line paragraphs. Put more into description and emotion to give it a bit more coherance.
There were a couple of spelling mistakes, like "steel" and "glass."
Things To Work On
Try to fill your paragraphs out more. Many of your lines could have been put into one big chunk and not just separated from one another. These three lines could have been put into one paragraph, and maybe the description of the white bag could have been expanded upon. Show us how Luke relayed his caution. Why is he like this? Don't rely on unspoken background with regards to character's feelings. What was he thinking when the bag was rolled out?
“Just a precaution,” the blond replied. “Never can be too careful.” He walked over to the cabinets.
Luke followed cautiously, and flinched when the mortician slid open one of the cabinets with a jerk.
On the slab that glided out was a white bag.
“Ready?” the other man asked.
You just seemed to add too many events for a one-shot piece. I think if you had made this a multi-chapter story, and paced everything more, things wouldn't seem so off.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
Luke nodded.
“Are you sure?”
“Just open the bag,” Luke snapped. He was in no mood for games.
Hee. Luke.
I love that you wrote about something like this. A lot of authors are apprehensive about delving into storylines where they have to do something bad to a favoured character, but you, Liegh, the LiteratiHead were not afraid to do this. Mucho gusto.
There are new sides uncovered in Luke and Rory, and each character's reaction to Jess's death was totally worth him dying.
Letter Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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