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SITE OF THE MONTH
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Don't Make A Sound by Lancey
Link to story.
Plot
Don't Make A Sound is set during Raincoats and Recipes, at the very end, when Rory and Dean... do it. It's a very short reflection piece through Rory, but while it's good that you got into her head like this, it reads more like a freewrite than a finished story. I think that this can still be improved and polished in its present state. It seems like you just wrote this under thirty minutes and published it online straight away.
Characterization
You've captured Rory well in this story, but as I've said, I think it still needs a lot more development to be really spot-on. She's basically dazed and confused, but I would expect a longer soliloquy coming from someone as verbally inclined as Rory. You know how she tends to ramble when she's backed into a corner.
Style/Flow
The story does have style, and isn't bland at all, which is good. However, despite the presence of a voice in the narration, it just flowed a little too quickly, with hardly anything to make it stand out. It is mostly about Rory's feelings, but I would consider more use of description and literary devices to put more of a flourish to it.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
The structure of this is balanced, divided into three parts, one for each stage of Rory's predicament: satisfaction, anger, and then regret. However, I'd love it more if it were just a tad bit longer. :)
No real problems with grammar or spelling.
Things To Work On
I would suggest you developing this story more. Try to make it feel less like something done quickly and without much thought. Freewrites are great for getting ideas, but they're not enough to be published as they are.
Maybe make the parts a bit longer, and take your time. Don't be afraid to dwell a bit more on each part, because this will give you a chance to be more articulate and expand on the story.
Like in this part, you can totally put more into this:
"And then, I really cry."
How does Rory cry? Where is she? Describe it to us, and make the picture complete.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
I love the short and choppy (sometimes repetitive) sentences to portray Rory's emotions.
"I feel loose, almost drunk. Carefree in a dangerous way, the invinsible way. It’s scary, but it’s nice. It’s nice, and I like it. It’s nice, and I want to stay here forever."
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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