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Never Look Back by Hider
Link to story.
Plot
It’s a future fic, picking up a few years after Rory and Logan’s engagement had been called off. We don’t know everything, but as time goes on more and more is revealed. Rory and Logan were engaged, they’d broken up once before that because Logan had cheated. Then, one alcohol-induced night shortly after their engagement, Rory and Finn slept together. They’ve been brought together again because of a Paris/Finn wedding.
It’s a little confusing because more is revealed as time goes on, and you’re not completely sure why this one is annoyed at that one. Along with this, you tell the story like we should know what’s going on, but we don’t. Like we didn’t know that Rory knew that Finn was engaged to Paris, we didn’t know that Finn was engaged to Paris for that matter, until after the fact. Fill us in; don’t assume we’ve figured it out.
You used the ‘it never occurred to me’ card quite a bit. Don’t you think Rory might have thought of Finn when she heard he was a hot, Australian, from Yale? Your characters are not idiots, and neither are your readers.
Characterization
Well, your Rory and Logan are pretty well written. Their not identical to their characters on TV, but so many things have changed since then. I can see why they’d be different. The only problem I see is Logan being completely out of it. I see him a little tougher, a little more closed off, even in the privacy of his own home. Finn is still Finn. He’s loveable; he makes you laugh. He’s just sober.
Lorelei’s good too. Just try and stay away from clichés, like the constant junk food/movie nights. She’s a hard character to write; there has to be a balance between eccentric and insane. I like that she stayed in touch with Logan though.
You’re Paris needs some work. I see Paris as more forceful with a take charge attitude. She’s very open, and very emotional in this story. She’s more guarded; to proud to cry and a little less normal in conversations.
Style/Flow
Well, one of the things I would suggest is not to stick songs in the middle of your story. It’s not a one shot or a song fic, so putting the songs in only in certain spots makes it seem a little sloppy.
The flow isn’t pretty good. There’s nothing particularly awkward or out of place, but you’re telling this story from quite a few perspectives so make sure you clearly indicate your changes in point of view.
You’re telling me this story; you’re not showing it to me. Let actions speak, develop thoughts a little more, and don’t just write to fill up space on paper.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
I’d suggest a beta before posting. There were a few spelling mistakes, some misused tenses and a few other things, like he instead of she.
Work on your story development. A lot of little issues arise;take your main ideas and developing them. You have Rory and Logan go at it quite a few times, then suddenly they’re friends, but then they hate each other. Don’t add stuff in just to say you added a chapter; make sure it fits.
Things To Work On
Proof read. Get a beta and watch for common mistakes. Make sure your she isn’t missing an s or that you haven’t spelt and ‘an’ or the ‘he.’
Add some flesh to you plot; go into detail about problems. Don’t just add things in to have them there. Plot development is key.
I’ve gone into detail about all of this stuff in the correct categories.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
Originality. You’re risk taking. Rory cheated on Logan. It wasn’t the other way around. Yet we still find out that Logan has caused damage himself. It’s not one bad guy, begging the other to take him/her back. Neither know if they even want the other back.
Also, the way you’ve developed your characters. Finn, giving up drinking. That’s a great development there. Rory and Logan are still Rory and Logan, but they’re grown; they’ve changed.
You have awesome ideas.
Letter Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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