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SITE OF THE MONTH
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Slice of Life By Jazz
Link to story.
Plot
This drabble takes place during the early stages of Rory and Logan's 'no strings' relationship. Rory and Lane go to a bar the night before and had a little to much to drink. Rory wakes up in Lohan's bedroom. This piece sort of dabs into thoughts and cute conversation between Rory and logan that morning.
This plot was a little hard to follow. I'm not sure what exactly is going on; there doesn't seem to be a point to their conversation. I love fluff and smut, but you need the plot to back that up.
This idea seems slightly unrealistic because you have Rory reacting very casual to waking up completely naked in unfamilar suroundings.
There's potential to this story, but you need to fleshen it up; add flesh and details.
Charaterization
You're Logan is in character with lines like "God!" "That I am". and "I'm used to half hungover rants from Finn." He's laid back and casual about the situation; perfectly Logan.
Rory, is kind of OOC. I don't think she'd walk into Logan's kitchen completely naked, even if she didn't know where her clothes were. Her actions seem to sex kitten-ish for me. Yes, for the sake of all things smut and sexy she has to act differently, but she should still be Rory. I see her more embarassed, blushing, unsure what to say, if she woke up in a strange bed, after a night she couldn't remember.
Style/Flow
Your writing is extremely casual, whic works to an extent for Rory's point of view. But somethings didn't fit. Like here; Rory begins to panic and looks around starting to really freakout once she realizes that she's totally and completely naked, and there's no sign of her clothes anywhere."
Everything flows pretty easily, though te smut sort of snuck its way in and out of there.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
No major spelling/grammar erros. That made this story much easier to read. However, your sentences are very wordy. Short and to the point works best.
There seems to be a transition problem between the conversation and the smut, but you mentioned you had problems with that in your a/n.
Things To Work On
Work on fleshening up your plot. You mentioned this would be continued, so go from there. There are so many ways to take this story.
Also, try to work on your Rory characterization. I love outgoing!Rory, bur normally she's shy!Rory. Explain how and why the changes come about.
Parts That Rock Our Socks
The interesting way in which you brought the plot about, the original morning after conversations, and the idea behind this story.
"So what do I owe you before I get a cup of joe hmm..." "One kiss, that's it." "Ugh un. No more kisses, I used up my kissing capacity last night so no more until next week." "No kiss, no joe" Cute morning after conversation.
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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