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False Starts by CIAChick
Link to story.
Plot
This is one of many post season 4 finale fics. It picks up at the end of R&R and continues throughout the summer. Lorelei and Luke begin their relationship, keeping it a secret from the town. At the same time, Rory deals with her Dean issue keeping her distance from Lorelei all summer long.
The idea was not very original. There are tons of post season finale fics out there. However, you did add to it with you interpretation of the Lorelei and Luke relationship. There were different obstacles, but they didn’t seem interconnected. Your focus shifted pretty often.
Good parts: it was Luke/Lorelei so very Luke/Lorelei. The running/the scared/the hiding it from the town. *sigh* It could have been an actual episode. Also; the way you added in all those characters Rachel…Sherry/Chris…Jess. Everyone that mattered was involved.
Oh, and your references to old episodes were great…the ketchup bottle…the Romanovs….that was great.
Characterization
Rory was very in character from wanting books after ‘it’ happened to wallowing to breaking down after seeing Dean again.
Your Luke may have been slightly too ‘heart on the sleeve’ especially the morning after their first time together. I’m not sure if he’d be that open about his feelings for Lorelei. Yes I mean I think he’d be feeling it, but saying it, I’m not so sure.
I loved how you brought out Lorelei’s deeper side in this story. She is always running and you weren’t to show that. Most people make Lorelei happy-go lucky-girl. But there’s a lot more to her than that.
Style/Flow
You wrote this story novel style, which turned our great. But try to expand on your description/thoughts/narrations. Your story is mostly dialogue based, and though you sometimes let us get into their heads it not very often or for very long. Try to work on that; add more thoughts/descriptions that sort of thing. It’ll balance it out and not make it seem as awkward when you do add that thoughts.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Things To Work On
Expanding your thoughts and descriptions. There were parts in this story where it was all dialogue. Then you’ll describe a scene or a person’s thoughts, but only for a short amount of time. Expand on your narrative voice, as well as your character’s thoughts.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
“Lorelai?” Luke squinted against the rain as it bounced off the shoulders of his green jacket. “You’re soaked!”
“You can’t leave!” She cried over the downpour.
“Why the hell not?” Luke opened his door but Lorelai grabbed his arm so he was forced to face her.
“Because you can’t—I—I love you!” Luke let go of the door and caught her in a tight embrace, his wet lips meeting hers, their soaked clothes sticking together.
--
"Hey, hold on." He pulled out his fishing jacket from behind the seat. Lorelai laughed. "You're cold, take it."
"Luke, it's your fishing jacket."
"It's clean." He said defensively.
Letter Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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