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Henry's Bar by Samantha
Link to story.
Plot
Henry's Bar is basically an update to the characters of Stars Hollow through an exchange between Jess and Rory. It's set about ten years after they first meet, and there is no hostility, however present awkwardness is. They're both over the past, and it's just two childhood friends accidentally meeting again in a bar. I like the subtle shift in events, where Rory suffers from tragedy and Jess is the one actually happy with his life.
Characterization
Rory, while older, is so believable. I love how you've matured her, and not just transformed her into something to fit your plot. She's changed, but parts of her still remain. Two particular instances I can take are these:
Jess nodded and handed it to her. He watched as she took a sip, and noticed that she didn't flinch at the taste or anything. She'd certainly grown up.
and
He pulled out a stack of pictures, causing Rory to get excited.
"Oh, yay, pictures," she said quietly, reaching for them.
Jess seems a bit flat, though. There's a great start to him, with the quote, but he seems to lose too much of his character as the story goes on. I know you were going for an older version of Jess, but I wish you had kept some of the dark humour from his past, like what you've done with Rory's childishness. Maybe he's just turned into something too different from what I'm used to, and there isn't much to support that or make me invest in this change.
Style/Flow
Your writing is pretty standard in terms of both style and flow. While it is well-written in technical skill, I'd love to see more of your style and voice stand out and grab attention.
I enjoyed the way you slipped little details about the other people in their lives as well. Lane, Lorelai and Luke, etc.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
No problems here, but I did find your use of "pissed" a little too redundant in the beginning, though.
Things To Work On
I would have loved to see more of a smart-ass in Jess's character because his dialogue and actions in Henry's Bar seem a little off.
Like this line:
"No hard feelings," he repeated. "Can we be friends?"
It just came a little too abruptly, especially from the Jess I've been used to.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
Despite my qualms over Jess's characterization, I found his affections for his daughters endearing. <3
Rory is very, very well-written in this story, from her entrance to her exit.
She immediately burst out laughing and collapsed onto the stool next to him.
I love that line.
The small part you've inserted between their last meeting and the present is great.
"Fourteen years," she nodded. "It was a week after my graduation."
"And we...kissed," he recalled, a slight smirk on his face. "God, what was with us and weddings?"
It shows that there is still a connection between them.
And just a random line, because it's kickass:
"Only Lorelai," he said. "Only Lorelai would name kids Leopold and Loeb. And only Luke would let her."
Letter Grade
A-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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