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Twist, by CaliforniaDreamer
Plot
You say in the summary, “Rory and Jess in a nutshell,” which is a hard thing to pull off, and you did it very well. I think it could be exactly as you say it is in this fic—they try to be together, but it’s so hard. “It’s hard to leave, even harder to stay.” The summary really is a piece of art—those are difficult to do well.
And back to the plot. ;) It is them, Rory and Jess, trying to be together: This was the last place she expected herself to be. She’s a Yale student, for goodness sake. Yale students don’t just run off with their ex boyfriend (was that even what he was anymore? She wasn’t sure what to call him.) with no call, no notice, to anyone.
Yet, she’s been here for a week now, and the only contact she’s had with her mother is a message on her answering machining, telling her she’d be busy for awhile, and might not be able to check in.
For awhile she stays: She thinks she loves him. She wants them to be happy, he wants them to be happy. He loves her. And then she realizes the choice she’s made…that she’s an adult, that this is irrevocable. It’s them…and it can’t work right now. …But wait, maybe it can in the end. They both needed to grow up, to realize what they wanted.
You did an excellent job of showing Rory and Jess. Rory, as a person who wants to be happy, wants so many things, but isn’t truly sure what she wants. You portrayed all these little details about her character, her back-and-forth between whether she belongs there, with Jess. And Jess, of course. Just… “Jess” is the best way I can describe it. His desire for her to stay, then his insistence that she will regret it if she does. There are so many facets to his character and you showed us so many of them in this one story, believably and subtly. Their changing minds, their decisions. This is their story, what happened with them, but it’s also an exploration of Rory and Jess, as you said… “in a nutshell”. The basic idea of the plot has been done before (Rory running away from Stars Hollow, to Jess, trying to make it work), but your story really stands out as something more than just them trying to be together, trying to make it work out, and eventually getting there.
Characterization
As I said before, fabulous. Rory is so Rory, her indecisiveness especially. Her confusion about what she wants—isn’t she always like that? Rory, Rory! And that is bad, so very bad. Worse than suffocating in the walls of repetition. Not only does she want, she desires, she loves, she needs. (She does need him, though it doesn't appear so. She desperately wishes that everything could be, as it seems.) She wants him, but she also wants Yale, and Stars Hollow. She wants love, and she wants to be an adult and make her own decisions, but she also wants someone to run to when she doesn’t know what to do. She has this almost-obliviousness to what Jess wants and needs, sometimes, that you made very believable. And just…her worry about what she wants, what she should be doing…her unwillingness to tell him she loves him, because she finds love so dangerous. Love is such a dangerous word, you never know where it’s real, but he says it and she’s shaking. She knows he means it, and she hates him for meaning it, but she can’t hate him. And: “Trying to see if I love you,” she replies, honestly. The words cut him deep like a knife, and he knows they shouldn’t, because he knows she doesn’t love him, even if she doesn’t know. In some ways, he knows more than she does, in others, she knows more than he, and in some ways neither of them really know anything for sure. So cool.
Jess was very well done too. He’s vulnerable too, he never gets like this, emotions worn on his sleeve. That different way he acts around Rory can be overdone, but I don’t think you did that here. The difference between “having sex” and “making love” that you pointed out was also fantastic…something I definitely have thought of in reference to Jess and to Jess/Rory, and it fit really well here. Jess keeps thinking he’s crazy—not crazy literally, but in that I-should-never-be-doing-this-but-don’t-give-a-damn way… He’s crazy, he knows he is. / He’s a crazy, sick bastard. Can’t even face his own thoughts. I loved the way you worded all these little ‘secret’ (that’s not exactly what I mean, but basically?) details about him and what he was thinking.
And Lorelai, for the brief scene she was in, was great…wanting to be there for Rory, hurt that she’d been ignored, letting her know that she was an adult now.
Style/Flow
The way you put this story together was great, the way you started each chapter. You didn’t just…you know, Rory went away with Jess, and look, she’s still there…and now look… ;) (If I didn’t make that clear, this is most definitely a good thing!) I loved the “scenes” you chose to “show” us…just the right peeks into their lives, sort of, to show the readers what’s going on while still making them think a little sometimes. The song you used for the chapter titles was great too…you picked just the right lyrics. I know that’s kind of a small detail, but it does make a difference, and the ones you used were very fitting, plus really made one want to read it.
The way you used punctuation and sentence structure in some places was awesome: It's over and done with, close all the doors (slam them shut) there's no going back. And the way you made the writing ‘move faster’ when they were…thinking faster, like here; the way you used parentheses (and I love parentheses, and yes I know I’m weird): He touches her, and it tingles. It’s skin upon skin, but there’s something else there (and he knows it’s his imagination, that skin doesn’t evoke feelings like that, but he doesn’t care). That almost-run-on-sentence quality to it, which I love, because it makes it more realistic, makes it speed up in your mind, almost. Like s/he’s talking fast, out of breath.
None of it was confusing, and the whole story seems carefully planned. I know I’m repeating myself, but I was so impressed with how incredibly well the story fit the lyrics—it was more like the song was written to fit your story than like you were writing to fit the song, although of course the story itself is the important part.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
There were a couple things I noticed…mostly, tense changes. You have most of this story in past tense, but there are some times it changes to present, like in this case, you switch the tenses in this sentence… He cared, and it hurt like hell, but at the same time, it didn’t matter, because he likes it (he likes it!) and he’s holding on to her for dear life, he doesn’t want this feeling to go away. (Though I did love that idea there.) There were several others… The story still reads okay, and I think most of us think that way, switching the tenses for what sounds right/better for that moment, but it's a distraction. There were also some typos sorts of things… “know” for “no” at one point, I believe, and: He’d missed her so mush… "machining" for "machine" once... Maybe a beta reader, and careful spelling/grammar/punctuation check? The Word check thing is nutso sometimes. Not to be trusted. Heh. And, um, “epilogue” was misspelled a couple times (in the epilogue, of course, hee). But you did spell it right at the beginning! (Are you maybe using one of the Word programs that doesn’t have the full spell check thing? *shrug*)
Things to Work On
Being careful that you’re staying in one tense, at least by section…if you want to change it for a dream sequence or something, that’s fine, but it should all be consistent. A “be careful” thing. (I always find myself reverting to present tense, lol, when I try to write in past. So tempting!) Also…there were some times I thought maybe you didn’t need commas where you had them. Commas are one of those up-to-you things, often, but you might want to be careful about them being there if they’re not really needed. And then… The epilogue? I loved the fact that they got their happy ending, that they finally ended up in the right place, together. But I also thought…just maybe maybe, you didn’t even need that epilogue. Of course, it’s totally up to you, and it definitely made me smile. But the chapter “It’s a cruel world, but she’s got a hold on” was very powerful and had a strong ending…and if you wanted to make this one of the stories that kills people painfully (in the OMG, so incredible way), I think you could end it there. Or maybe…the end of the epilogue could just have been included…because it was so good. From the part where he realizes he’s pinning her to the floor, about. *shrug* The part before that…seemed almost to take away from the wow!reality/originality this has.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
The characterization, most of all. The way you portrayed both Rory and Jess. And chapter three (in my opinion, the best of all of them). I absolutely adored it. I know you mentioned having trouble writing those kind of scenes, and I do too, but… ‘wow’ is all I have to say about that. You did it incredibly, incredibly well. And the scene at the end of chapter 4…awww. Some of my favorite parts (though I really have too many to list):
He hopes it’s worth it, and he’s not one for hoping.
This love, it hurts like a bitch, and he thinks he may be sick, but that hardly matters, does it? / At least when he hurts, he knows he’s living, which is so much better than being half dead. Beautifully worded.
“What are you doing?” He whispers softly, like if he spoke too loudly something would be broken. / “Trying to see if I love you,” she replies, honestly. The words cut him deep like a knife, and he knows they shouldn’t, because he knows she doesn’t love him, even if she doesn’t know. / “You don’t.”
She sighs, flipping the page in her book. She feels his fingers along the bottoms of her feet, and looks up. He’s smirking devilishly, and she can’t help but smile. That scene stuck in my mind. *smiles*
“Don’t say it like that,” she wrinkles her nose. / “Like what?” / “This is it. It’s too final.” / “I think it fits.”
Your style is wonderful, the way you know these characters, the creative approaches you take in all your stories, and I loved so much about this one. The plot and wording reads like it’s professional, it’s interesting, it’s honestly painful, it’s believable. Wonderful job. You have so much talent.
Final Grade
A-
Reviewed by:
collidingstars
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