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Listen to The Rain by Sy-Sama
Link to story.
Plot
Essentially, Listen to The Rain is a pair of songfics, each from Rory's and Jess's points of view. From what I gather, it's set after they separate, at Yale. Mostly it's all reflection, save for a thin line of action where Rory lays on the ground, and Jess goes to her. It's really nothing new.
Personally, I'm not one for songfics, because I just tend to skip the lyrics itself and go right into the narrative. I would like to see more description and detail in the story, for balance.
Characterization
Rory's character seems too general here, as in I can't see anything really that defines anything about her personality nor can I say that she's totally out of character. It just seems like some girl in Rory's particular situation. Maybe you can give more focus to her voice. Usually, she's quirky and heavy on the denial, and not really very... emo, with all the questions and the flowery words.
As for Jess, there is better aim with his character, especially with these lines:
She was never one for spontaneity and he was never good at remembering that.
But it's not really that precise for me. I think it's a good start, but you still have lots of room for potential. Try to tap into his cynicism more, and maybe inject some dark sarcasm to enforce his character better.
Style/Flow
Because this is in songfic format, I can understand the lyrics in between. However, I'd like to see more narration because while the lyrics do help relay the mood, what you currently have is not enough.
The choice for the songs songs themselves are kind of preachy, I think, and it doesn't quite go with the theme of Gilmore Girls. When it came to Jess's chapter, it became harder to read the lyrics because they were just so cliche:
My only hope (All the times I've tried)
My only peace (To walk away from you)
My only joy
My only strength (I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power
My only life (And love is where I am)
My only love
There are a lot of spelling errors, especially in the second chapter, which disrupted the flow a lot. It pulls the reader out of your story each time that occurs.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
As I've mentioned, your structure depends too much on the songs, and once you take the lyrics out, the story is just too short. I'd like it if you expand this more.
Grammatically, you don't capitalise in some areas after a period, and you do capitalise after use of ...'s.
Spelling is... pretty bad, I'm afraid. There's too many to mention.
This kind of makes me think that you just wrote this all out as a freewrite and didn't bother to recheck anything. Rewriting is an important step before publishing anything anywhere.
Things To Work On
First, you have to work on your technical skills as a writer. Bad grammar and spelling don't compell me to get into your story, much less finish it in one sitting. I suggest asking a beta-reader to help, and to use MSWord because it has that nifty spell-checker built-in.
Expand on your plot devices and narration, because there's so much more you can do and address in this story. Try not to get into the action too quickly. Take your time in establishing the setting and the mood, so it doesn't feel so rushed.
Keep away from cliches and sappy songs. It just turns people off, because all that stuff about "longing" and "being alone" and "crying for youuuu" while it's raining can get pretty old. While we're on this song note, I also suggest you putting down the artist to the songs because titles alone aren't enough. People may be curious about the tune or genre, and it's just to give credit to the people who actually wrote it.
Characterization can still be improved, especially for Rory's case. I know she's a tough character to get down, but keep pushing. :)
Plot-wise, there wasn't much to keep m interested, because it's a really generic story, for me. Try to address issues that haven't been raised before, or try another angle to those that have already been raised. Make your story stand out from the millions out there that have Rory thinking about Jess while it's raining, and fate/destiny/aimless driving bringing him to her.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
This was particularly good:
It was raining. Again. That was typical. it always rained when he thought of her, today it was particularly hard not to think of her. It was three years to the day that he had met her. Why he held onto such dates was beyond him, but he did and now he was thinking of her and it was raining. Typical.
It shows bits of Jess's character as well as an established voice. Stick with this and explore this more.
Letter Grade
C-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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