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Phone Call By Jazz
Link to story.
Plot
It starts off with Rory having a dream about Tristan. She wakes up with a phone call from Tristan, and they ‘spend some time together.’ This also turns out to be a dream, both Rory and Tristan’s dream. Tristan wakes up and goes to Rory’s house. They confess that they have feelings for each other, and begin to make out. The story is yet to be finished.
This story has a slightly confusing plot. The reader can never really tell when it’s a dream and when its reality, and spends more time trying to figure that out than enjoying the story. You may have been trying to create twists, but make sure you clearly indicate differences and have a plan before hand.
Characterization
You see, this is a hard area to judge you in because most of the story is told from the character’s inner desires, desires they may not normally act on. So, you have some leeway here. I still think that Rory would be a little more modest in reality. And if she wasn’t I think you need more of a back story.
As far as Tristan, he was pretty in character. He’s Tristan cocky, arrogant and a badass.
Style/Flow
I still haven’t seen a real style develop from you. You know how to write, but it all seems so technical. Mix things up a little. Vary you sentence structure, experience with different points of view, and different perspectives. And though you explain the characters actions, and sometimes their thoughts, expand your writing a little. Fleshen up what you’ve written. Opening up to new styles can help.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
There aren’t a lot of spelling/grammar mistakes. I noticed a few, but a beta can take care of that stuff. They’re miracle workers. Trust me. Also don’t use double or triple punctuation marks, like ?????.However, like I said try and differ the sentence structure. Stuff should be short and to the point but varied. Compound words, semicolons, and commas are your friend.
Things To Work On
Your style. Like I mentioned in specific areas. You know how to write. But you need to take that writing and make it your own. Experiment with different styles. Find one that’s fits you and work on that. Once you’ve done that your story and your writing will stand out more.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
I love your willingness to take chances with your idea, and place these characters in situations they normally wouldn’t be in. You really know how to write Magdalene! Rory
"What are you wearing, Mary?" Tristan growls.
Rory bites her lip innocently then teases him by whispering in his ear. "Well I can tell you what I'm not wearing, panties."
He looks wide eyed at her. Then he grins and closes the door behind him and they go inside the apartment
.
She presses him against the door.
"Um Rory what are you doing?"
"What does it look like?" She asks.
Letter Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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