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Walking After You by Lipton Lee
Link to story.
Plot
There are a ton of things that happen in Walking After You, and I'm not quite sure that sticking all of this in one go was the best idea. Because there are so many things going on, your story starts to compromise style and detail for its events. I think it would have been better with more pacing and written as a multi-chapter thing.
It's mainly about Jess and Rory and the turbulent life Rory leads with Jess always there to help her out. Set in the future, we see Rory lead the life that we were all afraid of her leading. However, there is always that friendship with Jess that helps her cope with everything.
It's a nice idea, but I think that there are already a ton of stories like this where Lorelai and Luke get married on the side, Rory's marriage fails, and this drives her into Jess' arms.
Characterization
Rory and Jess are both great here because of their dialogue. Even if there isn't much narrative between them, I could still link their personalities to the show as they've been portrayed.
I wish, however, that you had expanded Gregg's character because he seems very one-dimensional, almost like a convenient way to get Rory and Jess interacting again.
Style/Flow
As I've mentioned, there was a certain lack of style to this piece, mainly because of the rush of events occuring. It even feels random at times, because of it's tendency to jump in and out of the direct plotline.
While everything is very direct, maybe you could try using more literary devices to enrich your story. Be dramatic and flambuoyant. :)
There are a few inconsistencies with the tenses, too, which kind of served as a distraction. And because of everything happening so quickly one after the other, there isn't much time to take a breather and have all the events register in my head.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
It's all very uneven, structurally, and I didn't really enjoy the way it was laid out, like an outline of a story. Grammar, there are just those small tense-things. Spelling, you misspell Gregg somewhere, and just little things like, "Jess shake his head."
Things To Work On
Try to expand your narrative, perhaps, and describe everything with more detail. You're great with dialogue, but something is missing when it comes to detail and action. Try to grow out of this one-sentence paragraph style and experiment with longer, more complex paragraphs and literary devices.
Pace yourself, and don't rush the story. Take it to muti-chapters, if necessary.
Original characters like Gregg are usually written out to be too flat, and therefore we as an audience can't invest in his character. We know nothing about him, so give him a background and a motivation. They become Machiavellian if not.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
I liked the relationship that develops between Jess and Katina, where he becomes more of a dad to her than Gregg.
Dialogue between your version of Rory and Jess is always amusing. :)
And some random parts:
"Guess what?"
"Kirk got help?"
"Never."
*
"The books you promised me you'd read, and never did when we were kids," she tells him. "And I know you have a pile of the same for me. Don't try and lie."
He raises an eyebrow. "So..."
"We're going to read them tonight."
"All of them?"
"All of them."
*
Rory grins at this prospect. "I miss snow."
"You're your mother's daughter."
She grins more. "I am."
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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