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Breaks Just Like by Glowbug
Link to story.
Plot
Breaks Just Like is about Jess and Rory having an affair while Jess is married. Most of it happens in Jess's point of view, and because it's written as such, there's an opening to comparison between Rory and the wife (who acutally comes off as 'the other woman,' ironically). He's sort of stuck between these two women, between someone he loves and someone who repulses him, but ironically, the one she loves isn't the one he's married to. This causes a lot of conflict within him, and his apathy turns out to be the one who decides for him.
It continues on until feelings develop, others subside, and it ends in a tragic way, as most love affairs do.
It's nothing new, and when I read it, I couldn't really get a solid connection to the show than the names of the characters themselves. I think this has the potential to be a great original fiction story, but as GG fan fiction, it lacked that sort of flavour dependent on the show. I don't really know if this is a good thing or bad, but I just thought it was worth mentioning.
Characterization
Jess is great here because he's got a lot of depth to his character than most write him out to be. He's just so troubled, but at the same time, readers are conflicted as well, because we all know that all this drama is his own doing anyway. It's great because you pull out these emotions where it's not just one clear side to take.
Rory is a bit more confusing, in the way that it seems to fit, but at the same time, there's something I can't place about her. Perhaps you've had her evolve too far from what I'm used to, and there isn't much explanation as to why she's become who she is in your story.
I think the wife is great, too. She's a lot more dynamic than most original characters are, but I'd love to see more of this. I want to find her motivations and maybe some background about her marriage to Jess, at least in passing.
Style/Flow
The whole stylistic choice of using just pronouns is becoming pretty common in writing. It's dramatic, but sometimes it's too much and it's pretty much on its way to being overused. I guess just watch out for that.
I actually had to read this a few times, but oddly enough, with each read, the story became more and more appealing.
I love your narrative voice, and the way you write is very original and artistic.
One thing I kind of noticed that there was a lack of narrative by the end, where I would expect more to be, seeing as it's such a major occurence. It seems like you hurried the ending a bit.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
It's very well written, and I didn't really have any problems, save for that last bit which made the ending kind of deflate.
Things To Work On
I think your original characters are more well-written than most of those I've encountered, but I'd still love more from her.
Maybe you can try to experiment with more plots and style, and be more adventurous with them. I really think that you can write something better than this (but this is pretty kickass on it's own--don't get me wrong). Try something longer and more complex of a storyline maybe?
The ending was kind of disappointing stylistically because you describe everything else so well, and in the end it was just a lot of one-line paragraphs.
Also, the characters need a bit more defining, especially Rory. I can't connect them to the show very well. It almost seems as if they were just a tad too independent from the show.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
You have a great talent with words, but I think you can still revise this to make it even better. It's maybe one or two drafts away from being supergreat.
Random lovelies!
Briefly, she wonders what she’s doing here. The answer comes soon enough, as she’s familiarized herself with it time and time again. This is unavoidable, him, her, the tragic irony of what might have could have will never be. What she, he, karma wants it to be. Their scars are a little too permanent, the razor always drawn, the blood ever-present in its invisible blade. It is inevitable, the almost dance, almost completion that they run circles around but can never quite get to.
*
He is poisonous.
Then again, so is she. Unwittingly, but even so.
*
For once, the last part is true. He hangs up, greeted by the desolate silence of the apartment. He’s alone, the one thing that, had he found the words, he might have asked of her.
The one thing he knew she would have granted him without question.
With a flick of his wrists he tears the bed sheets from the mattress and crumples them into his arms.
He draws in a breath and lets the guilt settle in.
And it does, thickly, without a hint of trouble.
Letter Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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