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Too Close For Comfort by Samantha
Link to story.
Plot
Too Close For Comfort is an alternate story that follows around the timeline of Keg! Max!. Instead of Rory and Jess fighting over Jess's distance, they have sex. Rory becomes pregnant and drama ensues.
I don't particularly like the whole "Rory gets pregnant" thing mainly because I think that the point of Gilmore Girls is to show the diffrence between Rory and Lorelai, despite their close relationship. Also, it's one of those cliches that are difficult to pull off.
There are lots of parts that could have been handled better (Jess's goodbye didn't have much of an explanation, the entire first half kind of seemed like transcripts of the show with little interjections from Rory, stuff like that), and some parts quite unnecessary (Jess looking like Iliana's husband only confused me).
Characterisation
Your portrayal of Rory is a little weird to read because there are some parts that sound really teeny like the Josh Hartnett and Buffy references. Buffy is a great show, but I personally don't see Rory being so attached to it. I would think that Rory would be more affected by the situations that you threw at her, but she just seems to roll with the punches. Yale is a huge deal for her, and her having to rearrange her whole life made me expect some kind of breakdown from her. Instead she rather calmly takes the three courses (that in the show, when she was advised to do, basically freaked her off her face), silently takes in the fact that Jess went into her room and left her a letter after a long time of nothing, and gives birth to a perfect little girl. If she ever did freak out, I didn't feel any power or emotion from it.
I can understand some of her actions, though, like her not wanting to tell Jess about the baby.
Jess became a little bit too soft by the end without too much explanation. I kind of wish that you had expanded more on Jess's character rather than just have him "surprise" Rory over and over because it's hard to believe that after that much crap, he'd be perfectly fine with everything. I thought he'd at least be mad at Rory for not telling him.
Lorelai sometimes is a bit too childish, and totally doesn't get the respect she deserves. He mouths off to her and she doesn't do anything about it. She somehow turns into this odd secondary character that just dances in the background, you know? I was quite surprised how Rory could easily tell her to "shut up" without getting into a fight.
You got rid of Christopher rather abruptly by the end. I actually don't really understand why he just slipped off the face of the earth like that.
Style/Flow
The style you have is a bit awkward, because Omnipotent Rory just happens to know everything that's going on, even when she's not there or not part of the scene. Also, one of the biggest things that bothered me was the whole first part being taken from transcripts of the show. It's just that it sounds to me that you're merely re-narrating the show, save for small details squeezed in the middle.
The timeline of your story was a little confusing because it kept skipping months or going back. Then this one chapter that's all Jess's POV suddenly jumps out of nowhere. And then there was another diary-like entry kind of chapter.
I just think that you could have paced this better, as well as organised the events so it's not so haphazard to read.
Structure/Spelling/Grammar
As I've said, the story is really confusing in some parts and really imbalanced in terms of format and timeline.
You have a lot of spelling mistakes that are just really distracting. Like in the second chapter I think, you misuse the capitalisation of "church." ("Church" refers to the people who take part in the whole religious community while "chuch" is merely where they gather.)
As for grammar, just some past-tense-present-tense discrepancies. No big deal.
Things To Work On
Characters like Iliana and her family don't seem very central to the development of the story. It's like things can still end up the same even if Rory hadn't met them or anything. There are lots of things that you could have done without. What did the teenage-mother support group do for the story? Paris offered to help Rory out, but was never mentioned ever again. Did Rory and Jess really have to go into Wal-Mart before the dinner?
The whole storyline seems a little weak because they're reacting to the conflict so calmly. Don't be afraid of letting some drama seep into the story. Make it ugly. Make someone freak out. I'd love to see more emotion from these characters.
Try to make an outline or a plan so that there's a balance to the whole story, as well as a uniform sort of structure. I really wish there was more continuity to this.
You don't have to reiterate half of the season to give us a background. It was just a little tiring reading the first part because it felt just like a recap of the show.
Rory getting pregnant young is a popular cliche. Try looking at it from another angle because your story right now, to me, is pretty flat.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
The ending chapter god really interesting because you bring up a lot of possible conflicts in Emily and Jess, Emily and Rory, and even Lorelai and Jess. That's the stuff I want to read. However, they were resolved really quickly.
You have a great writing style that's simple, but not too bare. There's a balance when you describe and action or an object, which is really good.
Jess cleared his throat and stood up. “Why’d you name her after me?”
*
Shocked by the sudden bluntness, I blinked. Then I realized–it’s Jess. Jess is bluntness. He doesn’t tiptoe around anything. And there he was, asking me about one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.
*
Her gaze was very intent, as if she were studying his face, trying to remember it. I suddenly remembered that Jess’s dad had left when he was a baby, and mine was never up for father of the year. A little worried, I glanced at Jess, and realized all my fears were unfounded. He was staring back at Jessica with a gaze almost as intent, although his gaze was also amazed. He seemed so enraptured by her I didn’t think he would be leaving anytime soon.
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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