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What's Your Sign? by Bubbly Sparkling
Link to Story.
Plot
This is a take on Luke and Lorelai’s first meeting, incorporating all the dialogue and situations we hear in “Written In the Stars,” with a bit added to make it a scene by itself: all Lorelai’s “annoying” comments and pestering, other customers trying to get words in edgewise. There’s no big climax or conflict, it’s just this isolated scene: Lorelai coming in the diner, annoying Luke, Luke finally giving in, her writing on his horoscope.
The idea is sweet, and I love the way they presented their meeting to us in that episode, but for a fic like this, I think you could add in a little more, instead of reenacting what we already know from the show.
Characterization
Luke, I thought, was the best. Gruff, annoyed, but not completely, as he so often is. I noticed you use the same descriptions of what he’s doing a couple times: "Is the same as you have everyday!" Luke shot back. And then later: "Go sit down," Luke shot back. You also refer to him as the “grumpy diner man” a couple times…try and vary that sort of thing—Luke has so many different sides to him that we don’t see often that could be really interesting/original to explore, especially in a short piece like this.
Lorelai seemed a bit over the top sometimes, though. She’s crazy (and we know she was, here), but…it was a tiny bit overboard. "But I need the coffee! Coffee is good! Coffee is the elixir of life! Ya know, people have had quests for the elixir of life! So, were they really looking for coffee? I love her craziness, and some is good (“Ah! I knew it! You have that obstinate look about you,” she commented as she began digging into her purse.), but just…maybe a teeny bit toned down, that’s all. Sometimes just taking away a few exclamation points is all you need.
Kirk, despite his quick mention, I liked much. I love Kirk, and I love Kirk and Luke, and I love his constant questions about Luke’s food. "But this toast ..." Kirk protested. / "Is the same as you have everyday!" Luke shot back.
Style/Flow
The whole fic is pretty fast paced, which is good, because of course, this scene would go that way, everyone talking quickly as people do in GG. Hee. It’s mostly dialogue…you put in a bit of description, as to how Luke and Lorelai, usually Luke, react to one another and what they’re thinking as they speak, but mostly it’s dialogue, banter. L/L is full of that kind of thing and it’s wonderful, but it would have been nice to have a little more setting…it doesn’t need to be particularly relevant to Luke and Lorelai, as long as it’s not the new main focus of the story, just some details to add interesting tidbits of sorts. How the horoscope was crumpled…the way the light got in people’s eyes from the window… (these are all random suggestions)…that kind of thing. If you want to write based solely on the conversation, you could try script format, which also takes away the problem of the different kinds of ‘he said/she said’s and the need for more description, and often scenes like this one work even better in script format than in prose.
That said, it was nice to see this scene, so much like the show could have been, but since we’ve basically heard what happened that day from Luke and Lorelai talking about it, you might want to add in a little more stuff from you. If you’re just showing us a different take on a scene already shown or described, most likely prose is the way to go (though not always!) to make it more original somehow. New dialogue, slightly different setting, bigger involvement of customers…or anything in the world you want. It’s not always necessary, but here I think it would help. Fic doesn’t need to be exactly like the show in every way…and it can be a lot more fun when it’s not.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
There are a lot of little errors…punctuation problems, small errors with grammar in dialogue: “Excuse me, my coffee is cold!” A customer shot out. (the ‘A’ there should be lowercase—it’s a nitpick, but still), stuff like that. Also, some things I’m pretty sure I can tell are typos, lack of spaces/end punctuation, for example: "If you will just sit down and shut up, I'll get to you when I get to youNow, excuse me … "There's your answer," Luke turned back to the very impatient and angry customer "I'm sorry. What was it you wanted?" It’s not a huge deal, but these kind of things are distractions. There are also tense inconsistencies (probably the most difficult thing in fics, I think)… He could feel his patience dimming every time someone would call out his name, which was getting to be every few seconds. That “would call out” should be “called out”…I apologize for my complete nitpicker-freak-ness…but it’s almost never a bad thing in the end. ;) Also, there are a few places where commas could have been used…but commas are pretty much the ultimate personal choice-grammar-thing (I’m so eloquent), and there are no big problems with those here.
A beta would be very helpful with this kind of thing—and having a beta reader is always a big help.
You know how to write…it looks kind of like you typed this quickly and posted it right away. Be careful to proofread first.
Spelling, no problems.
Things to Work On
The grammatical/punctuation errors, as mentioned above; proofreading/beta. And being careful to keep the fic different from the show. Be original, branch out a little, make it stand out. There’s nothing wrong with sticking to the show sometimes, just be sure you’re not reiterating what we know too much, staying away from clichés. You have a talent for funny banter, random diner comments. Add more to it and that’ll shine through even better.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
The beginning. "Kirk, they're fine!" Luke grumbled as he hurried to the next table, order pad ready in hand. / "But this toast ..." Kirk protested. I love starting in medias res, and the way you did that was awesome. Kirk rocks.
And
"Forget it, Taylor," Luke said very shortly as he hurried to deliver hot plates to waiting customers.
It was then that she came in, a blur of brown hair and frazzled nerves charging at him.
That was my favorite part. I love that description of Lorelai.
Final Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
collidingstars
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