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Tilting the Axis by southboundtomarion
Link to story.
Plot
Rory and Logan finally admit their feelings to each other. Saying ‘I love you’ turns into a very big deal, as it should be with these too. Logan says it first; the first part is from his point of view. The second is from Rory’s point of view, about how she wants to wait for the perfect moment to say it back. The two pieces have different feels to them but they mesh together extremely well.
No one who has ever written a Rory and Logan ‘I love you’ story has taken this approach. The plot is there, but subtle. You add little details and divert the reader’s attention from the main idea, giving everyone a look into their minds, and a back story.
The intricate details are what make this story. You pay attention to such minor details that don’t seem important, but you always manage to tie it in. Like here;
She’s changed her toothpaste. Peppermint now, instead of wintergreen. The flavor of her mouth has changed and you realize that you don’t care what flavor it is as long as it’s hers
And here;
Your answers quickly turned serious when you told Stephanie that you thought the most romantic thing in the world would be to be kissed in the rain in Liverpool (which you had witnessed through a bus window while you were on your way to stalk Bono with your mother).
Characterization
Logan. Your Logan is great. He’s in love with Rory, entranced by her. But, he’s not overly mushy. It’s not the same things that you hear in every story about how she consumes his thoughts and he can’t bare to be without her. The reader understands this but you don’t blatantly state it. It’s presented in a completely Logan way.
Desperation, a human emotion that you had managed to escape for the most part until now, has taken over you. Now, you’re constantly desperate in some way or another. Desperate to see her. To talk to her. To be with her. For her. And this line is hysterical. I can see him saying it. “You’re not helping,” he frowns. “I’m trying to be romantic and you and the weather aren’t cooperating at all.”
Rory. You have her pegged to the tee. Rory’s a perfectionist, and her wanting it to be perfect when she says ‘I love you’ to Logan makes sense. Her escape as soon as Logan said it was very in character as well. Rory runs, but the difference is with Logan she always comes back. He told you he loved you and then made a sorry attempt at telling you that you didn’t have to say it back right away. You knew he was lying but you loved him even more for saying it. Or here; You wanted to tell him and you wanted to make it as perfect for him as he had made it for you.
Style/Flow
I’m not sure how best to describe your style. First of all you write in second person. It’s so rarely used, but I love it because it makes the story more personal. Almost as if we know the story and are revealing piece by piece, especially in presence tense. It’s a great combination.
The flow is absolutely perfect. The way you just jump into it makes me feel as if I’m actually there. I love the first few lines. They set you up for an amazing story. (The rest of the story doesn’t disappoint, either.)
She’s wearing a green sweater the day you decide that you’re in love with her. Your green sweater.
It’s unique and it’s different. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Obviously you proof read. I can’t see anything that isn’t grammatically correct or that’s spelt wrong. You structure is flawless as well.
Things to Work On
Nope. Nada. Zip. Zero. (See your final grade. That should explain it. )
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
You know better than to say anything in front of Finn because he’d tease you until the day you die. And he’d tell Colin, who would tell Stephanie, who would tell everyone. You settle for kissing her again.
And…
Six days ago he had told you that he loved you. Five days ago he made dinner reservations. You wore a red silk slip dress to his room; you never made it to dinner. Four days ago you dragged him to another play that he claimed to hate. Three days ago you both spent the afternoon in the newspaper office; you had used the time to work on an article, Logan chose to send anonymous perverse instant messages to Paris.
And…
You know you love her because you’ve never been as mesmerized by anyone as you are by her. Nonchalance and indifference were your default modes but she’s thrown all of that to the wind. Sidewalks slant a few degrees when you walk with her, causing you to trip over your own feet. Things slide off your desk in the newsroom when she’s there (and when are you there when she’s not?). Last Tuesday you spent ten minutes staring at the pencil in her hair, wondering it held all the curls together.
Enough Said.
You fill the story with cute little examples and details. They make it memorable and absolutely amazing.
Final Grade
A+; Amazing job.
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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