|
SITE OF THE MONTH
Another site maintained by Hider and Sam. I don't think I've ever heard of a completely Literati-based fan fiction awards site. Have you? Start nominating, kids!
WRITING CONTEST
PLUG YOUR FICS!
Powered by TagBoard Message Board
|
The Hero Dies In This One by Jessica
Link to story.
Plot
This is a one shot from Luke’s POV about his and Lorelei’s relationship. It starts out after the events have taken place and Luke recalls everything that has happened. Lorelei considers taking up the buyer’s offer on the inn. Luke and Lorelei get into a fight about it. Lorelei takes the job and Luke goes to the airport to try and stop here. Lorelei leaves anyway.
I can definitely see this type of thing happening, and Luke’s account of the events gives it some distinction. Plus, I love the way you start off this fic. It catches your attention. The thorns are digging into the palm of your hand by now.
Characterization
Even though it was just a POV your Luke characterization shone through in his thoughts. I thought you had him pegged. He was content, but Lorelei wasn’t. The way he spoke pf thinking he would be different, that Lorelei wouldn’t run from him, and that love could be enough. It sounds like Luke’s deeper thoughts. I loved lines like this. You had never been that guy. But you had nothing left now to give her. So you bought her flowers, a single red rose. This plain flower would speak words that you couldn’t let yourself say out loud. These things made the story. It was your home and you had never wanted anything else than the safety of your hometown.
Though Lorelei’s appearance was a minor one, she made a lasting impression. I can see her wanting to run. That’s what she does. That’s what she always does. Especially considering their fight before hand. "I have to go. Otherwise.." "What?" "Otherwise, I will never know." "Know what?" "If this is the person I want to be." Very Lorelei, and very realistic. I can see her pleading with him. I can see her trying to reassure him and herself that this is the right move. Lorelei is always caught between two worlds and this story portrays that.
Style/Flow
It flows pretty easily throughout the whole story, mainly because of your thought-process-style. You use sentence fragments and phrases, which add to the feel of a POV story. The connection of thoughts/actions/memories allows it to flow like he’s thinking, and the sentences fragments add some uniqueness.
My only complaint is that sometimes your incorrect tenses disrupt the flow. Like here; You fix things that needed to be fixed.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
While there aren’t many grammar mistakes within this story you made a major mistake with the title. Titles should be capitalized. It should read The Hero Dies in This One You also change tense a few times. As far as structure one thing I did notice is the way you present your dialogue. In some areas you use colons before putting the phrase in quotes and in other areas you simply have them speak. Choose one way to present the dialogue. I would suggest the latter. It’s more commonly used and looks less awkward. However, when you have them speak, you don’t skip spaces. Always skip spaces. These things will help the structure of your story, if only to present it better.
Things to Work On
Mostly structural stuff. Make sure to properly capitalize your titles, and choose a uniform way to present your dialogue. Skip spaces between dialogues. Stuff like that adds to the appeal of a story. It creates order and uniformity. Also, always double check your tenses. There a tricky topic and you may want to consider a beta.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
So you did the one thing you could do. You kissed her. You let yourself drown in her. You drank the taste of her like it was water and you hadn’t had a drink for days. You pressed her against you, wanting to mold her body with yours. A little cry escaped from her lips and you moved away. But you didn’t let her go.
And…
The thorns are digging into the palm of your hand by now. But you don’t feel it. You have become a master of blocking it out. You blocked the pain out, denied that it ever existed. It was the only thing that had kept you alive during the years.
Final Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
back
|
