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Purple Diamond in the Sky by Shygirly4eva
Link to story.
Plot
It’s a one part Louise point of view. Louise has become an alcoholic. She’s doing drugs and having even more casual sex than she used to. After sprig break Rory and Louise keep in touch. Rory keeps calling Louise despite the fact that Louise won’t reveal much to her. She gets alcohol poisoning, and Rory is still there. She still calls. It ends with Louise still doing drugs. She stops answering Rory’s calls, and continues down the pat she was on.
Well, there aren’t many Louise fics out there, so I give you points for originality. I know this was just a short pov, but there is no real focus to this story. It jumps all over. In your author’s note you said it was jumpy because Louise was drunk/high, but there should be a focus, a connection. There should be something to go back too.
Characterization
We don’t know much about Louise’s character, but your portrayal of her seems accurate. It would be easy for Louise to get caught up in this type of life. At Chilton she drank, and she slept around. Drugs and alcohol addiction could and probably would come next. I liked the way she described Hartford and why it was hard for her to imagine a loving marriage. In Hartford there is no fun, no life, no color and no love—there is only hate. Especially hate. Pure hate. Nobody cares. Her thoughts on Rory almost seem bitter, which I guess in a way is also accurate. You’re jealous of what you were deprived of. You want what you can’t have, however minor those things are. So yes, even though Louise is more often seen as airy and care-free this could be what is going on inside.
Style/Flow
Your style is standard thought process style, which does work for this fic. But your writing is very wordy. Keep it simple. You don’t need all sorts of adjectives, just enough to get a picture in the reader’s mind. For example, the first line. As I lied there watching the rings of smoke coming from the cigarette I lazily puffed, I started thinking.
Also, there were a couple of things that disrupted the flow, and distracted me. There were a few obvious grammar/tense mistakes that didn’t make it flow easily. In addition, inserting Rory’s speech just seemed to take up space. Most people know of Rory’s speech. You would gave been better off quoting a few particular lines. That would have made them seem more significant, and they lines wouldn’t have seemed so out of place.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
I didn’t see a problem with spelling, or structure for that matter. You had a lot of common grammar mistakes. Like here; Rory asked me if I ever plan to get marry/ That should be married and here; Rory doesn’t understand I am trying to live. there should be a comma or a semicolon in between. There all small things that can be fixed with a beta reader.
Things to Work On
Your style is very wordy. Keep it simple. Only say what needs to be said. Don’t add words just to fill up space. Like Rory’s speech. That didn’t need to be added in. You didn’t need to include as many adjectives/adverbs. You want a description, but not so much that, that’s all you see.
Other than that I suggest a beta reader for some common mistakes. All writers make them and they save you the time of having to recheck your work.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
Your willingness to take on such a heavy topic, and your open perspective on it all. This was a tough topic to tackle.
Also this line; Noody taught us how to escape, how to let ourselves ignore reality, but her mom did. Her mom escaped Hartford and she prepared Rory to become invincible against our society. I will never forget those words Rory said at our graduation; I think that was the day when everyone realized how much she impacted Chilton.
Final Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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