|
SITE OF THE MONTH
Another site maintained by Hider and Sam. I don't think I've ever heard of a completely Literati-based fan fiction awards site. Have you? Start nominating, kids!
WRITING CONTEST
PLUG YOUR FICS!
Powered by TagBoard Message Board
|
Raining Kittens by Majit
Link to Story.
Plot
This is a short piece; Jess standing by Rory’s grave, thinking about her, interspersed with flashbacks of times together when they were happy and married. It’s explained that Rory was “the best thing that ever happened to him,” that then, when Rory was twenty-seven, she was killed in a car accident with a drunk driver. And here Jess is, at her grave.
This is very similar to many other stories, or pieces of other stories. The flashbacks are like the generic “happy R/J,” the idea of Jess being lost without Rory, who…saved him, I suppose, is done pretty often.
Something just seems a bit off somehow. You could have put a little more in the flashbacks if you wanted to do this, instead of explaining so much in what I suppose was Jess’ reflection/thoughts—the present/past is a little unbalanced. There isn’t much of a real conflict or beginning/middle/end to this story: Jess doesn’t move forward or realize something; he begins with the grief and the remembering and he ends the same way. There’s most definitely potential here, and it could be a sweet vignette, but it needs...a little more to it.
Characterization
Jess is difficult to pin down when he’s written dealing with grief of some kind, but he seemed OOC to me here. When it rained, he couldn’t tell the difference between his tears and the rain. This probably wouldn’t be an unlikely thing for Jess to do, choose times it was raining to visit Rory’s grave, had she died, but I do think it would be unlikely for him to admit it outright, even just to himself. Despite having grown up and having found Rory, I would guess that some parts of him would stay the same—in what we’ve “seen,” he doesn’t like to admit weakness, or things that could be construed as weakness, and there’s a lot of…what I think would be “extra” emotion for Jess, awful as this situation would be for him. He could speak to her, and no one except her would hear it. I have…some trouble picturing Jess doing this. It’s possible, though. He’s around thirty by this point and not much can entirely be ruled out—that’s a lot of time passed. But still.
He would look for her column, but it wouldn’t be there. That is very Jess. Searching through the paper, waiting for the proof he knows he won’t find; he doesn’t want to believe it.
Style/Flow
I was a little confused by the way you started this story: It was raining kittens. I guess it’s a play on “it was raining cats and dogs”? But there’s no other reference to it in the story that I could see and I couldn’t find a particular point to the “kittens”? I can see how it works, here (I believe). But I think it’d be interesting to add more about this. That’s not a sentence you hear very often. ;) And focusing on this idea (is that something Rory used to say? Something Lorelai teased Jess about for some reason? Some connection to…her funeral, possibly, or to celebrating her birthday in the past? Anything else) could make this more original.
It seems…a little forced, trying to explain all the details you want the reader to know about this situation. Some of what you say in present tense could have been conveyed in flashbacks, perhaps. This is just a suggestion, but since flashbacks are part of your story, you could use them this way too.
I’m very picky, and I know that, but I also saw…words, sentences that I don’t think were needed, a few times. Writing is almost entirely made up of personal choices, but it makes things much easier to read if you say only what you need, get the point across without necessarily saying it straight out, to try and make the readers feel the way you want them to feel, etc. You do a good job with this, but I think you’re telling us a bit too much. Let the reader figure things out. For example, your summary at the top: Rory and Jess got married. Rory died. You don’t need to say exactly what you want to get across…make the reader wonder a little, make him/her have to think. Something vague to maybe indicate that Rory is gone, but you don’t have to say “Rory died” straight out.
The idea of Rory being the best thing that ever happened to Jess seems a little overly emphasized at some points. Why? What little reasons, what details, what was bad about it but why was it still worth it? Could be fascinating. You never know. ;)
Planning really helps for some authors, and some it doesn’t—for me, pretty much everything I write is random as hell, but many of my favorite fic writers have these amazing detailed plans; there are all kinds of in-betweens—but I think if you stop and plan out everything you want to say, how you want the story to end, begin, fit together, you can avoid a lot of these exposition kinds of problems.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
There are several little errors: typos, misspellings. I noticed that in your profile you say you live in Norway, so I assume English isn’t your first language? (I apologize if I’m wrong!) That’s definitely understandable and in that case, this is excellent. For spelling errors, there are things like two words instead of one (which is much too easy to mistake in this occasionally crazy language) and missing or added ‘s’-es. Betabetabeta…I can’t suggest strongly enough. A beta reader can help with these kind of errors and suggestions, both mechanical and otherwise. And is always a big help, with plot, with characterization, with grammar, everything. I see that you thank someone in your author’s note, so I’d bet you know this already. =)
There are also some typos…missed words or letters, stuff like that, such as His cell phone rang; he had no intention of answering it. Or It was like losing her all over again. Another thing a reader can help with, though everyone misses things, but proofreading it yourself is very useful, and that’s important. The MS Word spelling/grammar checker can never be trusted…and it’s always a good idea to read things over. Be careful it’s saying what you want it to say, even if it appears grammatically correct, though I know these things are sometimes easy to miss. (Again, yay betas.) The little stuff makes a difference, even if it’s just a bit of a distraction. No matter what, proofreading is always, always worth it.
For the structure, the only suggestion I have is to try and balance out the flashbacks vs. the ‘present’ of the story, both the size and the information. It’s not a big deal. I just am, once again, a nitpicky person. I apologize for that.
Things to Work On
Be careful of clichés! They’re easy to get caught in, but there’s always a way to twist them around and make something completely new.
I think this story could be much more. What is Jess learning? How is he changing? Find some slightly bigger kind of progress…some beginning, middle, and end, even if it’s short. What is he thinking about the other parts of his life? We know he loved Rory, in this case, mourning her at her grave, but what else is there? Could there be more significance to the rain? Anything at all! ‘Be crazy’ is my favorite advice in this case. It helps like nothing else.
You led into the flashbacks well. It just seems like…I see more hiding behind this fic! The lack of some of these details makes it harder to notice the phrases you have that really mean something, because at first it feels almost like one’s read the basic story before.
I’d love to know what exactly it is. Why it’s raining kittens.
Other than that, just remember to proofread.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
The “raining kittens” concept. It’s very cool.
I know I’m telling you here what was great about this fic itself, but I really think you should take that further; only if you feel like it, of course. Somehow? =) It’s intriguing.
The “So how is married life?”… flashback.
The feeling throughout this fic: reading it closely, it is acutely painful…it really brings home this horrible idea for Jess… She’s gone. She’s gone.
My favorite part: He would look for her column, but it wouldn’t be there. Sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night expecting to see her lying there next to him. But she wouldn’t be there.
Keep writing!
Final Grade
B-
Reviewed by:
collidingstars
back
|
