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SITE OF THE MONTH
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Stay by Mindless Babble
Link to story.
Plot
A week in the relationship of Rory and Logan. The week before their no strings commitment ends. A week of observations before Logan looses the girl of his dreams. A good, yet predictable plot up until the ending. That was a shocker. They don’t end up living happily ever after. Rory moves on, and she’s happy. Not with Jess, or Dean either, but with someone like Logan, who could give her what she wanted. Nice twist.
Characterization
I loved your Logan, because he was flawed. He couldn’t do commitment; he couldn’t bring himself to do it. In the end, he didn’t become the hero going back to her and giving in. He didn’t realize what he wanted until he had already lost it. His thoughts on her with another guy were right on target and I loved his take on them being opposite. It was all very Logan.
Rory was great too. She can’t not do commitment. She found someone that could. That’s Rory. She loved Logan, but she wasn’t going to sacrifice herself for him, at least not forever. I loved this line from Rory’s POV. IT was so true, but she overcame it; But she'll believe it anyway. She will believe all the bullshit he puts forth because the alternative will break her heart. She's in too deep for her own good.
Style/Flow
I enjoy the way you write, switching POVs but still keeping that same observant tone throughout the whole thing. There are very few details, but you write in a way that you don’t really need those details.
Now for the flow; I like the idea of each day being a different section, with a different word emphasized each time. Rewind. Lies. Casual, Jealousy. Lust. Regret. Gone. Great diction. But anyway, back to the flow. Those words make the breaks flow into each other more easily. They set you up for what’s going to happen next. No awkward sentences and fast changes.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
No mistakes that I can see. I really like you’re structure though.
Things to Work On
Even though the end makes it memorable, the scenes you portrayed have been written many times before. The breakup scene. Him with another girl. Her with another guy. Try and make those moments leading up to your ending a little more original.
Other than that I’ve got nothing else to add.
Parts That Rocked Our Socks
It's not like he promised her anything. Love is just another word to him
And…
Friends in boarding school, equally rich, equally charming. He wonders how she ended up with him. Anyone else and Logan wouldn't have thought of as competition, but Carter was a different story. Everything Logan had, so did Carter. Interesting point.
He lets her go because he thinks she'll be back. She's always comes back before, crying and cursing.
Final Grade A-
Reviewed by:
Psychotic Scribbler
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