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Bruises by Erin
Link to story.
Plot
Set after Jess comes to ask Rory to run away with him, Bruises is another "What if Rory had said yes?" sort of situation. It's not the happy ending that most would expect, because Jess and Rory don't ride into the sunset and live like royalty. There is doubt, there is fear, and it's not coming from Rory. It takes one phonecall to change everything, and in the true tradition of Gilmore Girls, it is once again, Dean, trying to drag his already non-existent relationship with Rory back into the picture.
It's nothing really new or earth-shattering, in terms of storyline, but I did think that the use of bruises as a device to tell your story is interesting.
Characterization
There isn't much to say about Rory here, because most of her traits are shown with a bit more subtlety. I think you could have pushed on her actions more, so it doesn't seem like it's just a random girl in Rory's situation. Perhaps you could have played on her tendedncy to ramble or make lame, nervous jokes to leviate the situation.
Jess is a bit more well-written here, but again, he seems to lack that energy to truly stand out and be someone an audience will invest in. It's common to explore Jess's "sensitive side" in fan fiction, but sometimes it gets a little repetitive seeing him confess his fears and worries to Rory, even if it is what we really want him to do on the show. I would think that he would be a little more stubborn about actually telling Rory that he was worried about Dean.
Style/Flow
I think your style of writing is great, but I think that there is too much telling of what's going on instead of showing. It's not as much fun when Jess outwardly admits his need to control the situation, as opposed to a story would hint as to what was going on. It just becomes more engaging to read that way. Trust your audience--don't spoonfeed.
As for flow, the story starts out a little too slowly or my taste, and then kind of rushes into resolution in the end. It takes its time dwelling on Rory's bruises and how they come about in the literal sense, but then suddenly they fight and make up all a once.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Structurally, as I've mentioned, it kind of gains speed and crashes into an ending. Maybe you could have distributed the events a little more sparsely and taken your time.
Generally it's good for spelling and such, but I did notice that you tend to capitalise after "she/he says..."
“Don’t…do that.” She says through her clenched teeth as she grips his hand tightly.
>>"Don't... do that," she says through her clenched teeth as she grips his hand tightly.
“Rory…Come here.”
>>"Rory... come here."
Just little things like that.
Things To Work On
Some grammar points off (see above), but nothing too distracting.
I would like to have seen more colourful dialogue so as to not make it so flat and dramatic, as well as to set points for establishing character. Make Rory crack jokes. Make Jess a bit more surly and sarcastic.
The ending is kind of preachy for me. I don't really believe that bruises as bad as what you've described will disappear in one night.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
“Hello? Look, I’m not some lonely housewife, so try another number.”
She wakes up full of desire and lets him make love to her. But, he has promised her that he wouldn’t tonight. So, he watches her nostrils flare slightly as she breathes until he falls asleep.
I love this childish image to Rory. More! More!
I love the fact that you brought up Rory's possibly being ashamed of him, because it brings down the fairy tale to reality, and suddenly their relationship isn't so magical and perfect as many would like to believe. The tragic crap follows them around and I love that.
Letter Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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