|
SITE OF THE MONTH
Another site maintained by Hider and Sam. I don't think I've ever heard of a completely Literati-based fan fiction awards site. Have you? Start nominating, kids!
WRITING CONTEST
PLUG YOUR FICS!
Powered by TagBoard Message Board
|
Exposition by Remy Gilmore
Link to story.
Plot
This is a classic beginning of the Literati relationship—Rory in the diner, she and Jess discussing books. Rory admits to Jess that she had a fight with Lorelai; Jess takes her outside to talk. Mostly, it’s dialogue and description, delving into a possible The Beginning for R/J. There isn’t a great deal of conflict or story arc, since it’s a short one-shot, and it’s a nice vignette-like piece, ending with the idea that Something More will be happening: He was looking forward to discovering how this would end.
Characterization
You say you want to show that there’s more to Jess than the ‘badass jerk,’ and I agree with that entirely. Something seemed a bit off about Jess, though. Maybe that he appeared to care slightly “too much,” eager to please Rory.…he said a little more than I think he would say; the reader ‘heard’ his thoughts maybe more than I’d guess that one would in this situation.
he had taken the chance to reach out to her, only to be pushed away. Now he remembered why he never did things like this. and he cared too much about Rory to let her walk out of the diner right now. I’m picky about Jess. But this pushes cliché. That’s one of the biggest reasons it appealed to me.” The fact that he said that to her…I think that’s something Jess would leave implied. …Be careful, is all. He does definitely act badass—but that kind of juxtaposition, the ways in which he doesn’t act all tough as well as those in which he does, is a/are great thing(s) to explore in fic.
A Jess issue of mine: exclamation points. Even when he’s saying stuff fiercely or angrily…I don’t see his dialogue using them very much; low/dry/sarcastic instead. That’s a choice for you to make. But there are just one or two places I’d suggest replacing one with a period.
Not that I don’t see our lovely Jess here. (*cough* I didn’t just call him that, right? Right.) Quite the opposite. “At least come up with something interesting that could possibly sound like the truth.” Love that. He immediately looked back down at the book he had been trying to read and muttered, “I’m not staring.” I really liked this too. Aw.
Rory I liked more. I was a little surprised that she just admitted it (the fight, why she was upset) right out that way, but you pulled it off pretty well. “So being an asshole is a defensive mechanism?” Indeed! I can hear her saying that.
And I really liked Luke’s “Stop staring. You’ll creep out the customers.” (One thing: Does Luke smirk? Maybe. Just offering it up, there.)
Style/Flow
This is also a classic sort of style/flow, and it works pretty well. There are a couple areas it feels like you’re kind of…pushing things to happen so you can get to the next part of the story, almost like the story ‘jumps’ too quickly to where you need it to be. It’s not particularly noticeable, and I’m not saying that can’t work sooometimes, because it can. But… Luke calling Jess to come help him, Jess wandering over to Rory when she looks upset, Rory immediately confessing to Jess what’s wrong… Be careful about how easily these kind of things happen, how the parts of the story flow into one another as the story moves forward.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
I don’t see any real problems with the grammar, none with spelling.
A couple minor things like this, I noticed:
It was unfair to put so much trust in him when he had absolutely none for her. So he said, “How can you be so sure?”
You don’t need to ‘explain’ that this is why he said that…you could go right to “How can you be so sure?” That sort of thing. And here, this “So he said” sounds a bit awkward to me. You can leave more dialogue without explanation, more actions or sentences without complete description; let the rest imply what it’s like or what exactly is happening, what they’re thinking. Description is almost always good (love description, and your choice of words in this story), but there can be too much, and I think this is walking that line at some places. Show us what is behind their actions or speech…but you don’t have to say it straight out. And don’t be afraid to start a new paragraph, even if it means a lot that are very short—usually it will work fine, and it does/can here. Especially if it’s a description of some sort that comes after a line of dialogue…it can work even better to let the dialogue stand on its own, then come in with the next bit.
Also, a couple grammar nitpicks—
This is a very easy mistake to make (and REALLY common in general English), but though I know it seems correct, it is technically a mistake:
Neither of them had enough faith in themselves to break it, afraid that they would say the wrong thing.
“Neither of them” – that’s singular, either Jess OR Rory. So it can’t have a corresponding subject pronoun that’s plural (‘themselves/they’). It should be adjusted to go something like: “…afraid that he or she would each say the wrong thing” or something along those lines.
One more thing, also rarely noticed, but still:
even if it was far from the truth.
Do you take Spanish or French and know the subjunctive? Well, if you do (or don’t, of course, that just makes it easier to explain sometimes) - we don’t use it almost at all in English, not at all like subjunctive is used in those languages…but this here is English subjunctive! Yay! Er, yeah. So this should be “even if it were far from the truth.” It’s the same as when you say “If I were you…” instead of “If I was you…”
Things to Work On
How you portray Jess—I completely understand wanting to prove that he’s not a badass or a jerk. But he will always be Jess—sullen and sarcastic and at least moderately rebel-esque in some ways, fairly unwilling to share what he’s feeling, in my opinion. And it can be shown, of course, what he is like underneath it all (not quoting No Doubt, for the record, lol). Just try not to tell the reader too much.
Jess is difficult to nail down. And a good deal of Jess, again especially in third person, is left to the author. But you also have to be careful to keep what we do know about Jess as a character. I think it would work better if you maybe left out all of the description that’s pointing toward what you’re trying to get the reader to think…and leave it up to the reader to decide what Jess’ speech and actions mean; what they mean for the story and what they mean about Jess. You can even stick to stating some of the thoughts he would want to portray to the people around him, rather than any of what he might be ‘thinking’ way deep down in his troubled-or-untroubled psyche (you decide ;)). That can be shown through his actions.
Watch the description and explanation. Be sure to leave some dialogue to ‘speak for itself.’ As long as it’s clear who’s speaking and what’s going on, you don’t necessarily need some kind of synonym of ‘he said’/‘she said’, even if it feels like you haven’t put in too many of them. You totally don’t have to tell us the reasons Rory and Jess are saying what they’re saying, that kind of thing, as I said before.
You obviously write well—I’d like to see something beyond Rory and Jess in the diner! Go somewhere different with the characters, with their relationship. There are an awful lot of one shots about Jess talking to Rory in Luke’s. Rory and Lorelai argue about Jess fairly often, Jess ends up comforting Rory and letting on stuff about himself, Jess and Rory discuss authors and tease one another about Rand, Luke yells at Jess to get to work, etc. This fic here shows talent in the writing itself, looking past the plot and things, and it ought to be less camouflaged. :) Originality (anywhere from subtle to insane) is something there can never be enough of in this fandom. Plot can partially hide good writing. Go for something different.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
“I didn’t.”
“You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You’re lying again.”
I love this exchange. It’s awesome.
“So being an asshole is a defensive mechanism?”
My favorite line. It’s very Rory, very Rory-to-Jess.
They see me as they want to see me: unpredictable, hazardous.
All of it together had made him break his own rule of apathy for everything and everyone around him.
You have a lot of excellent diction and excellent lines. These especially are great. “unpredictable, hazardous.” “rule of apathy” - That’s how Stars Hollow’s seen Jess.
And keep writing.
Final Grade
B+
Reviewed by:
collidingstars
back
|
