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Bend and Not Break by Jessica
Link to story.
Plot
Simple enough, Bend and Not Break is a reflection piece from Jess's point of view during the infamous "Come away with me" scene in Season 4. There isn't much to comment on, plot-wise, since it's pretty much tailored to the events on the show, but I do like how you've turned it around with the use of second-person POV, however. It's an exploration of Jess's character and the thoughts that went through his mind as he stood in front of Rory that night with that insane request.
Characterization
Your Jess actually kind of bothers me, more from the fact that he's just a little too sappy than anything else. There's just this constant bombarding of cliches and lovey-dovey lines that I can hardly see the badass anymore. I think he lacks that rougher edge to him that makes him so gritty and interesting as a character. It just seems like you've run away with what you want him to be thinking without much regard to his character.
Style/Flow
As I've mentioned, your style is certainly interesting and different from most, seeing as it's this weird hybrid of prose and poetry. It's very easy to read because of the shorter lines, too. I really can't decide what it is but I definitely see the potential. The flow is choppy sometimes, and some sentences simply cut off in the middle. At first I thought that maybe this was intentional, but then I saw your disclaimer at the top:
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
And now I have my doubts. ;)
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Despite your warning, I really didn't find anything really wrong with this, technically speaking. But I did notice your lack of punctuation marks (especially question marks) and capitalisation in the title.
Things To Work On
I think that this is just too sappy for me. Most of the lines aren't really suggestive of Jess's character according to the show, and personally, what I like about the boy is his rugged sort of sardonic and sarcastic wit. I know it's an emotional moment, but I think Jess would be beyond all this talk of dancing under stars and whatnot. I especially disliked the ending, because it was just so melodramatic:
And maybe, just maybe, you will be okay.
Maybe one day.
Mm, just not a fan of that.
You do have the emotional mood of the situation down, but I guess I just want more in terms of narrative. It feels like you're just telling me what Jess feels, and not letting me figure it out on my own.
Parts That Rocked My Socks
I like that you brought up Rory's dreams of adventure and travel. It's such a good point and it didn't really occur to me how that would fit into the situation. It just shows how much she's changed and how Jess seems to cling to the past when Rory, in turn, seems to be over that.
Letter Grade
C+
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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