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Just Like A Movie by Colleen
Link to story
Plot
I definitely like the plot. It's very simple, and maybe I've just read one too many tragic/sappy Literati fics, but I really like this concept of Tristan coming back to Chilton with a new outlook. However, I do think that his realising his love for Rory was made into a slightly bigger deal than normal. I liked his experiences in military school as well. It kind of fills in the blank of when he left the show, and it also works well with your ending.
Characterisation
Now, I'm not that familiar with Tristan's character, but he does seem very charming and arrogant, as he is on the show, which is nice. I love the voice you have for the narration, too. It's so full of character.
Most of the other characters were a little flat, however. I'd have loved to have read more about Len and his whole deal. Maybe expand on their conversations a little more, so we can see what Tristan sees in him.
Paris was great, but maybe you could work on her wit a little more. Throw some references into the mix, and not just the whole Romeo thing. And I know it was needed for your story, but really? Would she still hold on to a year-long grudge?
Style/Flow
As I've mentioned, I love the style and voice you've managed in this story, but whenever you mention "I," it throws me off. It's written in a third-person POV, and using Tristan's voice, so who is this "I" in sentences such as this?
""I mean, Tristan had known he was a player, and known he treated most girls like shit, but these guys were grade A asses."
There were so many errors that I could not ignore them. They affected the flow of your story a lot, and by the end, despite how good your plot is, it became a real hassle getting through your story.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
Structure was good. No real problems there.
But oh, my God, you have so many little things and it all just added up into this big pile of frustration for me to read. Ready? Here we go.
In your title, even the "A" should be capitalised. "Just Like A Movie."
You use commas waaay too much, and sometimes when you do need them, you don't use them at all. In dialogue:
"Tristan Dugrey. He said." should be "Tristan Dugrey," he said."
When the Lord's name is taken in vain, as Tristan does so many times in this story, it's usual to capitalise "God."
"...yet still fully understood who he was....former King of Chilton" should be "who he was: Former King of Chilton"
Your run-on sentences go on and on. Try reading them aloud and see where you need periods. And consider verb tenses--keep them consistent.
Like here:
He had appeared to win in every way possible, yet no matter how much action he got, he’d screwed things up and made a wrong move, ending up at military school.
Maybe you could have gone with something like:
He had appeared to win in every possible way, but no matter how much action he'd get, he'd screw things up. Now he'd made one last wrong move and finally ended up in military school.
Paragraph 5 was too redundant with "game" and "play" and "happy."
Quotation marks are usually double. You only use the single quotations when you're quoting within a quote.
"Assholes" and "jackass" are each one word.
"Than," not "then."
"Yeah, if bag boy provoked him now he’d definitely take him."
You should have capitalised "Bag Boy" because you were referring to it as a proper noun.
I had no idea what this meant:
"...and they also knew that the year of Tristan’s absence they hadn’t the generous donations."
“See who.” should be, "See who?"
"God, it’s been a year and you still love her, pathetic." should be, "God, it’s been a year and you still love her. Pathetic."
"Just Like a Movie... Well, every movie has a turning point."
Why did you capitalise "Just like a movie"? It's not really a title to anything. It's just Tristan's general thoughts on things.
There's more but I got tired.
Things To Work On
I highly recommend that you work with a beta reader. If you go to our Links section, there's a site called "The Fundamental Things... Applied" and it's a beta-reader directory. They'll sort you out.
"His father had thrown a fit when he’d seen that Tristan had shaved it off."
Technically, Tristan didn't really shave his head off himself--the school did. And I doubt that his dad would be that naive.
"'I don’t know...' He denied."
First off, that should be "'I don't know,' he denied." (grammatically speaking). But then if Tristan doesn't know, what is he denying?
Parts That Rocked My Socks
I loved the idea of Tristan running off to the weights room whenever he'd think about Rory and how much muscle he'd gained because of this. I thought that that part was hilarious.
The description of his life in military school was another thing I liked a lot. It's very colourful and I don't know why, but I thought of Full Metal Jacket when I was reading this.
The ending was nice. And I really liked how you didn't have Rory in there at all, save for her name being mentioned in passing. There's a lot more mystery to things, especially with the ending. It's like there's so many ways this story can go from there.
Letter Grade
Good story, but a pain to read. Sorry.
C-
Reviewed by:
Oregano
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