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Redux by CaliforniaDreamer
Plot
The way Rory and Jess’ conversation on the bus could have gone.
They kiss, but still, there is no happy ending. This reenactment of the bus scene has technically been done many times before—but I like this a lot. I like it especially because it sounds different. You don’t start off with narrating the situation to us, and that saves something. You know when to add the twists, whether literal plot twists or stylistic, that keep the reader from feeling like s/he has read this general sort of thing before. Mostly because I’ve done the sort of thing, the fact that Jess tells her everything makes me wonder a little, but you’re not going into tons of detail here, purposely, and particularly because you’ve written it in this future tense, it works. The beginning and end most of all make this story special.
Characterization
Excellent. The only thing that stuck out to me was the mention of Jess “telling her everything.” And then he will tell her everything, he will start talking and keep going. He won't be able to remember every talking this fast in his entire life, and he can't really breathe, but it feels good to tell somebody and he's glad it's her. / He will tell her about how he's going to California, how he needs to go, needs to find a place where he can be different and he thinks he hates himself, a lot, and he needs to see if he can fix that - the idea of Jess doing that so suddenly, by himself is weird to me (I love the idea of it being his choice to talk to her…but that seems like an awful lot for Jess immediately).
Besides that, it's great. Rory's hesitation but eventual courage. The way she runs away for awhile but then she brings herself back to normalcy and she’s okay. The way you represent Jess’ thoughts: Wounds will heal, books will be shut. The fact that they both do run away from each other. They confront one another and then slowly they begin to forget.
She will look at him first, searching his face for...something, anything. The answers to the universe, perhaps. He will stare back, offering her whatever she can find.
I love that representation of their relationship. That is so much Rory and Jess. She is the one who looks at him first, looking for all the answers, all the things she’s missing. And he just “stare[s] back, offering her whatever she can find.” He does that so often, looking at people, expecting them either to find what they need or discover that they can’t. And this is such a…sticking point, for Rory. Perfect.
Style/Flow
As I’ve mentioned in the past, you have a distinct style and you make it work. You pull this off without dialogue, and that isn’t so easy. The fact that you don’t use their first names much works well, too. Rory and Jess have almost a kind of anonymity here that makes this story different, intriguing. It flows well, as always.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling
No problem here.
Things to Work On
Nothing specific here either. The only thing that bothered me slightly was the one thing about Jess, but it’s not implausible. (One easy to miss typo—which I know, because I didn’t see it multiple times: won’t be able to remember every talking this fast.) All’s good.
Parts that Rocked My Socks
That you wrote it in this tense. The punctuation you choose to include or not to include, respectively. That Jess tells her he’s sorry. That Rory understands. The way you have Jess think. That there is no happy ending really, but the ending is right—I don’t think there is a happy ending to be had at this point. The way you end with the contrast between Rory’s “it will be okay” and how it isn’t really, but that’s how it is anyway.
He has lived cautiously too long to not hear her, but he will stay focused on the blurs of paragraphs and sentences that don't really mean a thing until she asks if she can sit, and he will nod because what else is he supposed to do?
Wonderful line. Love the lack of comma after “he will nod.” These I love: “blurs of paragraphs and sentences that don’t really mean a thing”. “he will nod because what else is he supposed to do?”
And she will think this late at night when she is homesick and wants her mother and can only think of sad things.
And this.
Final Grade
A-
Reviewed by:
collidingstars
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